Okey Doke . .

. . basically, ditch the whole 'Box' format,
cause as i read you seemed to be sacrficing content and flow to make it look good. The content to this wasn't that bad .. i felt you could of taken it further, but you didn't .. like it was missing that extra something to really kick in and get it started. You put a lot of subtle wordplay in this that i doubt either of ^ those guys caught because it dosen't seem like they even read what the fuck they reply to .. but yeah, `made in Indonisa` made me chuckle slightly .. you stuck to the topic well and the content was decent but where it really lacked was the one-word / syllable rhyming at the end of the bars, if you put in more multi's and internal rhyming, your content would improve ten fold, along with the flow you have now. You kept this one short and simple, so there wasnt really a lot for me to go off here, but from whats there - those were the three major standout flaws, lack of internals, multi's and occasionally off flow that was due to you using that box format. All in all it wasn't bad though, you've got the potential there to build on, just need to step it up a little with the milti's and flow and ditch that whole 'box' style. = )


Pz.

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