|
Fuck You, I Rhyme Better
|
Re: When the Heart Stops
IP:
Quote:
Originally posted by Thrust
When the Heart Stops
When the heart stops, Ceases pumping blood
My flow is irradic, Resembling a hurricane flood
nice use of imagry
The engine consuming fuel, Burning off fumes
But once it stops injecting, My life does too
The 2nd line, i felt, doesnt fit in too well..and the rhyme has to be forced in a way...at least with the accent i speak with
Inside it's blue, But when exposed it's red
My bloods carries cells, Along wit viciousness
again the rhyme seems really forced... i pronounc red like "dead ...while viciousness ending like "dress"
Composed of life, Creates my own soul
Without my heart my body wouldn't be whole
You needed a comma after "heart"
But a big hole would show, Quite openly
Without my own, How can i go on sufficiantly
 bad rhyme again...and your word choise is staying to simple.. synonmes (as well as correct spelling...my bad) is the key!
Critically, Dripping from my chest animically
And don't donate, For i don't take other's property
Umm, when you donate you GIVE blood not recieve
I never snatch, Or take what belongs to you
I'd grant my own heart...Quicker than John Q.
So you just contradicted yourself...now your a giver?
And that's how it is, And that's how it's done
When surgical procedures come, They'll find the coldest 1
The 2nd lines flow was kinda off...stay near syllabul count and use commas wisley
A heart that overcomes innocent minds
And overruns your belifes and leaves the rest behind
If you could drop 1 or 2 syllabuls from 2nd line this would have been a perfect line
Over your heard, My pump of life is too complex
1 second laughing, The next demanding threats
I dont get what your saying, but nothing wrong with the lines
Occasionally paranoid, So Sometimes i wear vests
But not often, Cuz my heart also fiends for flesh
i dont know what it is but something about the wording of this line rubs me the wrong way
Go after Innocence, Hiding deep in the corner
Yellin' & bitchin', Or the rain seems to fall harder
You did not need the comma in 2nd line
Like a split personality............... it's looking....
Looking for it's true self...but it remains looking
I guess? no comment here
Crooked, Twisted, And an unheard of bloodtype
"Sir, There seems to be no reason why your alive"
"And an" hurt the flow a little...and type-alive was a hard rhyme
|
Overall..
Your content was good in most of the piece, as the approach was good too. Besides the many, MANY, comments i made.. biggest pet peeve is your word choise...try and expand... you dont have to have huge words, just find more ways to say the same thing
Since you didnt expect all that, here goes what you did expect
shit was str8 fiya, dope as fukk.... 10/10
hit up my battle, i str8 murked dis herb
LOL, your welcome |