Ok I'm a man of total and utter honesty and I can safely say I didn't really like either verse. I could see what Wireless was trying to do, linking the hand that helped me fall as an accident on a ski trip, and later saying it was darkenking his vision. However at times I felt the execution was a little lacking and although the flow was at times good, it was generally basic and the rhyme scheme was forced in some places.



^That was a good example of poor rhyming. To maintain a good flow and complex rhyme scheme you need to make sure there is rhyming (or assonance at least) in the last two words of each line.


^Notice the perfect flow and dope as hell multies? They really help improve the standard of writing and that's what you should be working on. You also had a similie which I grimaced at as soon as I read it.
'But like an obsessed girl, it seemed like the hand always came back'
^That line really sucked. But overall your verse wasn't terrible, but it could have been worked on much better. I know you rushed it and everything but I'm just giving you tips to improve. However, your attempts at semantic references and subliminal metaphors were creative which upped the quality of your verse slightly.

HNIC, please don't be offended because I know you're new to topicals but I don't hold back in my feedback. Your peice was very basic and the concept, which was potentially very good, was poorly executed. When I read 'kold' I knew this wasn't gonna be a great piece. But dude, unless you're a really good writer NEVER explain the story in dialogue to a wife or something. Outline it out by providing background info and some insight on the chaacters thoughts and reveal the plot over the open mic. Dialogue OM's, especially one such as this which suffered from a lack of depth, tend to get really critisized.

Thanks fo dropping both of you but I have to go with Wireless for having a slightly complex piece.

V/ Wireless