yo... this is what i see wrong with ya shyt.....
wondering the reason of me believen every word that was feeded.
>>> feeded is not a word..."it's fed".... first thing you need to do is make sense... this can't even be passed off as slang.
to me like a toddler unable to comprehend the reason for breathin.
>>> good concept.... woulda been a nice intro if the first part were worded correctly...or differently
seems like im dreaming this fantasy that is a wave of imagenation.
upon the "foundation" created by the newest generation.
>>> sounds like you just
threw rhyming words together to sound smart... shyt's better if you have your thoughts together and then try to formulate your words in a way to create the thought that you were trying to get across
with out hesitation i see the nation that has failed me.
stuck me to a cross, held me down and then nailed me.
be-trayed by those that i thought that i could trust.
do i still got it? energy? do i still have enough?
>>>same here... but your thoughts are brought together slightly better...here's where i got thrown off (next line....)
i may be rough around the edges, cus im on and off in this rap shit.
this structure looks crooked... or am i just thinking to quick.
>>> all of a sudden you switch from a jacked up nation to a totally different topic... you went from socio-political to rap shyt as a topic... no-go...your lines should flow from one to the next and your thoughts and messages should make sense even in transition from one topic to the next.
do i still got what it takes to fly over head of the rest.
im an alien hovering over those hovering in stress.
>>> stop trying so hard to be deeper than what you really are.. it shows and it comes off as you struggling with this rhyme...almost looks like you were getting bored with it or just lost your focus and
threw some filler in there... sometimes the best rhymes are the simpler ones
if lil wayne a predetor, then why am i called an alien.
cause he got dreadlocks and my bald head considered stainless?
>>> this shyt didn't even come close to rhyming and it really doesn't even make sense here. lil wayne should have nothing to do with this... again you seemed confused and forced a line instead of taking the time to think about what you were conveying... you leave the reader just as confused as YOU were when you wrote it.
does it matter that it didnt rhyme? that it was a crappy line?
does it matter what you think deep in the crimson of your shitty mind?
your shitty grinds got me shifting time to another place.
far away from what you shit-heads call rap-today.
>>> lol.... you realized that it didn't rhyme ...
but it seemed as if you were too lazy to even change it.... it's obvious that you looked back on that line and it bothered you... if it didn't, you wouldn't have mentioned it.... better to make a good piece than to make excuses in the piece as to why it's no good
im not about hip hop, i speak about this hip-rap.
where its pure crap upon shitty beats and lose tracks.
question is has my talent increased since my hatching?
am i more gifted now then i was before my happening?
>>>wow...you're not about hip hop... but you wanna know if you got better at it or not? ...quite a contradiction you got going on there buddy...these lines basically sound like you gave up on the piece....did you?
and with out rapping im just another wanna-be emcee
that watches more mcs then mcs do on beefTV...
dont even bother lookin that channal doesnt even conspire.
its expired... dead, deceased... cause truth is it was never hired...
>>>....that channal doesn't even conspire?!!!... i'm sure NO ONE knows what that means... if you're going to use words...first know what they mean....and
watch your spelling too....
i think im done with this garbage i let this bullshit go.
do i still got it? ill let this hole webpage go and vote.....
ummmm... this is also a lil flip-floppy.... you ask all of these questions and then you still wanna know if you got approval...if we say no....are you gonna quit? if we say yes will it make you stay?... we're as confused as you are....lol
overall... there is some potential.... not a horrible piece...i've seen waaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than this... but this is far from a great piece.... with the right tutelage you could possibly become pretty decent and wreak havoc in RV....
1. Formulate your thoughts...brainstorm first.
2. Stay on target.... once you pick your topic don't stray
3. Bleed your lines.... they should feed off of each other...one right after the other...
and again... should always be related to your topic
4. Spellcheck...it's on your computer...if not...download a free version
5. Vocabulary... buy a dictionary...use the one on your comp.... choose words that you know the meaning to
6. Last but not least...if all else fails...keep it simple...no need to try to get "deep" if it's unfamiliar territory to you... stay true to your natural feelings and your natural way of conveying messages.
hope this helps.... stay up, dude!
*edits* as you can see ...i need to take my own advice and use spellcheck
