u need to work on ur structure...
some lines are twice as long as others
also, it seems like ur rhymes were forced... the first line in a bar is relevant, but the 2nd lines are obviously just to rhyme... using better vocabulary will make it better, and easier for u to rhyme, so that should be one of the first things that u work on...
u also need to write deeper than this... the topic is inviting a piece like urs, but u need to look for a different approach to it, or a more emotional story...
keep workin on it tho