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Old 08-04-08, 01:59 PM   #6
Keith Moon
Thank You, Come Again
 
Posts: 3,908
From: Pomona, California
IP:

You didn't stick to a single... subject for me..
You went from anger at step dad.. to playing madden.. to rap.. all out of nowhere.
This and the simple rhyme scheme make it feel like a commercial rap song.
Hell, maybe it'd catch on there if you revamped the lyrics and honed the focus of the song.
Keep writing and get better
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