Wordz - Your piece had great emotion to it. That was most definately your strong point here. Now you did slip up when it came to the vocabulary, and imagery. This was like a story line but because your choice of words wasn't very vivid or complex, it really didn't give good imagery.

I would try to work on vocab and imagery. Try to really give the reader something to picture in the head. It will double if not triple the entertainment the reader gets from your piece.











I have to leave work, allow me to finsih this when i get home.

lol srry.

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