View Single Post
Old 06-19-05, 02:08 AM   #37
femmina
New to RV
 
Posts: 67
From: new britain, connecticut
IP:

'bring to life'- mabye i'm a little byist because i've been through it, but you pinned the emotions perfectly, i'm taken back by how exact you were on the thought process and feelings that a mother goes through. It was very well-written, also. I honestly can't think of any criticism I can give. The vocab wasn't that big, but I think more complex words would've taken away from the verse. Simplicity is the best way to describe it, because it's very overwhelming. I loved that part, I give it a 10/10 (this is the first time I've done that btw)

'a dog's life'- made some very good points and observations. However, the structure could use some work and some of the ideas were choppy. When I say 'choppy' i mean that it seemed llike you switched to a new idea without fully explaining the last, like "Miserable..waking up each day just seems like too much hard work...
If u ever get to tht point...
Just remember how much hard work it was for ur mother to give birth..." < it felt to me, that you didn't finish what you were going to say about the point the person gets to and you switch back to hard times you were describing before; "if you ever get to that point" seems out of place. I would give it a 7/10

'the good life'- "Fancy suits...posh vocabulary...topped with expensive fancy meals...
Wots wrong with throwbacks...street slang...and quarter pounder deals..." < i agree fully and best bar in the verse, it would've been nice to stick w/ that theme, but it's your verse, so i'm not saying it's a bad thing that u didn't. Some of the verse seemed generic as far as the thinking goes, but the last bar and the one I quoted were definately an exception. I can't quite place my finger on it, but something was missing. I would rate this a 7.5/10


i hope that helped and try 2 stop by n check me out
Send a message via AIM to femmina Send a message via Yahoo to femmina   Reply With Quote