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Old 04-26-05, 12:01 AM   #22
FlowIntelligent.
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Posts: 4,868
From: NY ... Born And Raised
IP:

well i guess this battle needs a vote so here it goes in detail

Hells Fire:

Like i said before this was probably the best topical verse i have ever seen from you... you just come so original with the idea behind the verse. And in certain areas your verse was complex but simple.. complex because you went deeper into the topic than needed but simple because it was easy to understand where you were coming from.

There was a planet and god created life
There was a adam and god created wife
So pure after a million of jurrassic and death
So sure before a villian of terroric hand depth
A fruit produced to kill that what was created
a tooth engulfed to vile which almighty hated
curiousity and stupidity lead to death and disease
animosity and nudity lead to self fire and no cease
That which we relied of life turned to slave for life
That which we allied for life turned to made for knife
Man turned to group turned to city turned to state
Politic turned group friend to enemy foed to hate
Nature turned shelter to mature for home to make
Nature learned skelter to rapture for throne to take

That whole first part was perfect.. i like the direction you went with that part. The next few lines didnt seem appropriate.. like they were either worded wrong or in the wrong spot. But besdies that your verse was good. You really took it to another level with the vocabulary. The imagery could have been better but thats not much of a problem because the emotion was perfect.. not too emotional but you got in deep with the topic so that helped your verse out a bit. Could have included more detail.

Overall: 7.7/10

Kesse:

First off.. amazing flow.. the whole verse had perfect flow. That didnt fall off a bit. You stayed on the topic for the most part, but i have to say you came real simple with this verse, like you didnt try much. The imagery was good for the first 8 or so lines but then you never got detailed again for the rest of the verse and that hurt your chances of winning. Your emotion was fairly good, especially in the set up about your family and what not. That part was really good.

i lived my life, where i was never accepted
even though i didn't try, i was still rejected
never suspected, that a reason was my family
dad an unemployed drunk, but that aint the tragedy
mom worked 2 jobs, and we barely came out even
she deserved better, but had no time for dreamin
got me steamin, and paps leaving.... such a bitch
said "i only was with you, cause your daddy was rich"
i could never make up, for all the things mom gave me
kicked outta her home at 15 cause she was having a baby

Just like Hells Fire, youre intro into the verse is great but then you slip off half way through, and i understand that the beginning has to grasp the readers attention but that doesnt mean to slack off once you have their attention, follow through on it. All in all you had a good verse, with decent imagery and some OK emotion, but your vocabulary just didnt hit the spot for me. The last 4 lines were the only lines with decent vocab in them. Besides that you had a good verse

Overall: 6.8/10

So im going to have to vote for Hells Fire because i feel he got into the topic a bit more than kesse. He went into detail in some areas about an unbalanced world and he also stayed on the right path for the most part, no hate to kesse because he is topically gifted but i dont feel you tried enough in this battle.


Vote: Hells Fire
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