Hmmm, you have a lot of talent as I can see from here but I see a lot of potential that isn't quite being lived up to, but, I'll break down the piece first. This was a very eloquent piece of work, a very delicate tone throughout laced the more emotive lines with the innocence of rememberance almost. The meter I feel standardized the piece ontectually. Rather than a fluent breath of story and subject matter that constant hault of the single syllable rhyming brang the a concious stream of words to an abrupt stop. My suggestion for that is to start utilizing line-breaks so that rather than have every line end as it breaks, it keeps running through to the next line even the next depending on the tone or emotion you're attempting to provoke. The emotion was the strong point of this. I feel like you did a nice job of pulling quite a few heart strings without burrying yourself too deep in complexity or metaphor. Uum what else, oh, that last stanza, although I liked it at times I felt that some of it was pretty cliche and unoriginal. I know it's tough taking a used approach and making it yours, but you've got to really dig for that creatvity otherwise it's just going to meet a standard rather than a state of originality. So all in all I kind of felt the piece was up and down and the lack of consistancy kind of left this up in the air from me. But, I'd really like to work with you sometime, because like I said you have tons of potential, I think I could help you reach a new level with your writing. Keep up the work man.