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Old 06-03-04, 03:33 PM   #7
Shadows edge
retired.
 
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Posts: 1,666
From: Urbana
IP:

Aight... Spul the first 6 lines were basically ass and even the rest wasn't great. The structure was pretty decent, the links were useless, but the wordplay definetely picked up a bit towards the end, where you started to be decent. Just work on your set ups to and wording your punches better to make them hit harder.

Potential.. what can I say, you got potential. However, stop explaining your punches, work on your structure, and stop using punctuation and " " on your verses to pretend like the punches are better. It makes it herbish. Let's just take for example one line and see what the problem is:

"
He’s "past his prime" so this time I’ma "sit com" (sit calm) and watch what he say"

Ok, so you sit calm and he's past his prime. The wordplay is, theoretically, relating "prime" and "sit com." The problem is, the wordplay doesn't tie into your punch really, because there's nothing specific about a sit com that means its past his prime. In order for wordplay to be good, you have to match it with your punch, and the punch has to be good.

Anyway, work on your structure (shorten your lines), work on setting up your punches and wording them better. You got nice concepts, just get them to translate into punches, or drop them if they don't work.

v/ spul
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