Erm......I've seen worse but you need to elevate a lot. I suggest go into front lines and read other battles to look at rhymeschemes and stuff. Then read the tutorials here in the W.E.C. and the most important thing is practise.
You rhymed words well but just lacked that cuttin edge of a few multies here and there.

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HARRY R.I.P
1940 - 2002

In Respect