You honestly could have done a lot better. Its a played concept you put a nice twist on it just elaborate on it and tighten it up. Cut some words out and replace some with more complex ones. My favorite line was the "didn't bone/ mortge loan" that was pretty funny. I really dig you relating you not blowing up to failure to launch pretty cool concept. Make it a 16 8 16 format and tighten it up.

Keep dropping and return the favor on my OM link in sig

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THE TRUTH IS I'M BETTER THAN YOU