Token - I felt your verse needed more depth to it. Not a bad story overall. Could have used a bit more imagery/creativity. Flow was on point most of the time, with a slight wander here or there. Don't think this critique is harsh, I'm mainly pointing out the flaws without comments on the positive. It wasn't a bad verse by any means.

Thrust - You put too much stock into vocabulary. Flow was fairly choppy. Imagery was all over the place...meaning you had a lot of it, but it threw you around. Your lines didn't seem to connect as a piece. It seemed like this section went here...and then this next section went together, but the piece itself didn't seem like it all had the same focal point. I think you tried to put some depth in this piece, but I didn't feel like you fully achieved your goal. Sorry bud, just wasn't feelin this at all. I'm sure it wasn't a bad verse, it just didn't appeal to me.

Vote ~ TR