Thread: Proud
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Old 02-04-08, 12:58 PM   #2
сварливый
 
Posts: 5,615
IP:

take out the a before wife in the second verse,
your need to rhyme perfectly with dreams was the downfall in the third verse. You could have worked with that, head full of screams is just bleh.

Bests? I take it you mean dressed as nice as could be on a given sunday? I don't know if that means it should give off a Religious vibe or nothing at all, I'm sure as a writer you would have given more hints if this were Religious so I'll just pass that off.

Ending line was good and almost turned this soppy piece of poem into a story thus topical.

drop a link and I'll keep it open for u.
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