A solid topical effort man, you told a lengthly story and climbed inside the head of your narrator like a good storyteller should do. Topically this wasn't that original although the remorse your guy felt at the end of the piece was a nice touch. A stronger rhyme scheme and use of vocab would be things to consider for the future but definately a notch above a lot of stuff i read on rapboards.

Keep posting, cheers for the rep.