this was hard for me to get into...i think you're foccusing wayyyyy to much on the symmetry of your lines...rather then just saying what it is your feeling......when your lines are that short...they seem...1...incomplete...2..forced....and 3....theres no room for multis really...not good ones anyways...and multis are sooooo under-rated in topicals....they engage the reader....now...you don't have to use them as frequently as I do...hell..i probably use them too much...but it adds a nice flavor to the piece if you can improve your flow via multis/rhyme scheme....

now...as far as content...it wasn't very original...but...if you can make it your own..that doesn't really matter....extend those lines....allow yourself to speak more freely...and you WILL make it your own.......keep at it man.

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Time is not long, and indecision is hells cemment. So the well is rented, untill heaven is relevant. Untill then, to be eloquent, sex cells, so le'ts cellibate.

"watch what you watchin...fox keeps feedin' us toxin's..stop sleepin' start thinkin outside of the box and unplug from the matrix doctrine....but watch what you say cause big brother is watchin" - nas - sly fox

The I.H.C.J.S.F.M.T.R.H.P.M.M.W.T.S.M.S.I.T.F.F.W.A.S. O Crew