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1926
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IP:
This Poem Was Different.
It Was Almost A Story Form The Way It Flow Sequentially,
But Just It's Way And Its Pressance Held So Much Impact.
The Concept, 'Drinking And Driving/Teenage Drinking' Nice,
You Definately Made It Yours And Stayed Very Original.
I'd Actually Really Like To See Those Other Kids Verses As Well,
This Must Have Been Real Impressive As A Whole.
The Emotion Of This Piece Was Nice,
I Like The Short Lines Alot For This Cuz It Made Me Read Fast.
So I Was Rapidly Reading About Fast Driving,
Wich Just Really Dragged Me Right Into Your Feelings At The Moment (in the story).
Imagery, It Wasnt Nessisarily Strong,
I Think It Was What It Needed To Be.
Because You Had The Pefect Balance Of Everything To Present Your Message.
My Favorite Line Was This:
'in result, corpses lay deceased
on the road, killed by a beast'
Just The Way You Flip That,
The Way Normally Beasts Are Helplessly Hit
... So I Just Pictured This Vicitm Gazing Into The Headlight Before Being Hit,
'Deer In The Headlights' You Know?
I Dunno That Was Just So Strong To Me.
I Kinda Wish You Didnt Fallow Up With:
'known as a vehicle
drinking behind the wheel'
To Me You Kind Of Killed The Metaphore There,
You Spelled It Out To Much And Therefor It Lost Some Mystique And Creativity
... And If Left Alone The Reader Is More Invovled In The Story.
Due To The Fact More Is Left To Be Interprited.
Overall I Liked This Piece A Lot.
Alot Of Why I Liked It Cant Really Be Explained, Its Just A Feeling
... You Just Drew Up Alot Of Feelings From Me As I Was Reading.
Wich Is Very Impressive.
This Piece, Had Almost A Very Blunt Aproach To It Aswell.
The Way Alot Of This Werent Sugar Coated Are Made Beautiful By Poetics,
But Rather Left In Their Rawest To Just Press Such A Strong Image Into Your Head.
Great Job Fams, Cant Wait To Do Our Collab.
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