You've got a nice way to paint the story, but the details are still blurry. It's pretty complex, and in a story verse it's tough to make it mean something and stay complex, but you handle it pretty well. It goes over smooth, even if at times a bit forced. The three bench lines, while difficult to change, could be developed to make the story more powerful.

Overall, a very nice piece. Try to keep syllable count the same in something poetic or story based. Try Pentameter or Hexameter.

Much love.

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