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Originally Posted by LPMNDCTE
This piece was composed descent. It wasn't bad at all, but I believe the wording and vocab usage could be inserted a little better to bring out the overall depth of the piece. I felt at times you kinda forced in a rhyme schema because you couldn't think of something to rhyme with the previous line. Other than that, this is an okayish piece....
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^^^really close to what i was thinking.
d, i am sorry that i didn't get to your piece sooner bruh...i am a busy cat. all apologies fam.
the pro's: overall the piece was enjoyable. the story was cool. it was entertaining enough that it drew me in and kept me interested enough to want to complete the necessary reading. you incorporated some nice multi's. you were pretty descriptive throughout the drop. your structure was pretty much dead on. vocab was cool...though i would've liked to have seen you push yourself a little more.
the cons: you were descriptive enough in the piece...that it made other parts seem more vague in a few areas (if that makes any sense to you). some of the spelling was off...which isn't too huge of a deal. some of the work did seem forced out in regards to bit pieces of the wording/concepts used within it. it also seemed like you rushed the development and ending a little.
as far as standard open mic's are concerned, this is a good piece my crhymie. realistically, you could probably fine tune it in a couple of minutes and get a lot more out of it...but even if you decide to leave it as is, it is still a pretty nice read and worthy of more attention/feedback than the site seems to be offering you at this point in time. i'll make sure to bump this for you a few extra times to try to steer some additional responses this way for ya. don't let it (the lack of interaction right now) get you too down homie. we are here for you fam.
d: you have talent my man (no homo)...that is clear to me. just make sure to push yourself when you get comfortable.
word.
one love...
...the super, big bad crhyme sin '08