Well this was a venting piece, so it's hard to like take it apart...

..but basically..er...maybe not worry as much about rhyming (thoug theres nothing wrong with it)...and maybe try to construct it better...you know, each line...word to word...being careful not to use unecessary words...especially ones like 'the' too often...it makes the flow more akward...

...that's all the critique i can give looking at this piece, as said before, it's venting...

...resp...