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06-14-05, 02:30 PM | #1 | ||||
†•The Council Nigga •†
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"Fantasy of Love"
IP: B91A F28C
All of us wish to be happy, and many of us are...but what about those who arnt? Fantasy of love Every morning i wake realising a troubled day lies ahead Slide off the cover, feel ice cold wind blowing through the open window Slide on my t-shirt than freeze for a secound remeber what she said Mouthed the words baby i love you, as she raised from my pillow Kissed my cheek gently, wrapped her arms round my waist Wisperd in my ear today would be a change all would go well Waved and smiled like the sunshine as she brighten up the place But today was no better and didnt go well...and that id like to tell Wishing of love had brought me this sight it was a full on illusion My mind playing tricks, making me see and feel what wasnt real Would my dream ever come true, each morning left in confusion But why was i worried, to me happiness just wasnt a big deal Styled my hair, attempting to improve the image of my self Nothing seemed to work, as all my defects stood out Tried to make things better, but was only risking my health Id figured it out, being sad and lonely is what lifes all about Staring in the mirror once again i spot spot the girl Scared to look back incase her image dissapears Looking beautiful in her dress, as she slowely gives me a twirl I finally gain the confidence to turn my head..she never appears Life was treating me unfairly atleast this is how it seems Ya see everyone else had happiness an angel sent from above No matter what i wished happines will always be in dreams Realising i would never be happy....only living the fantasy of love links will be posted in a few |
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06-14-05, 02:50 PM | #2 | ||||
†•The Council Nigga •†
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IP: B91A F28C
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06-14-05, 03:14 PM | #3 | |||||
Not_Indeph
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IP: 3240 794D
This really spoke to me.Not many people are brave enough to speak on love.
On how it really feels.I felt this way about my girlfriend before I moved.So this came at the perfect time.Classic poem man.You got mad talent.Not many people can relate to me. |
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06-14-05, 03:25 PM | #4 | ||||
†•The Council Nigga •†
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IP: B91A F28C
Thanks for the feedback fam i really apreiciate it. |
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06-14-05, 06:45 PM | #5 | |||
Banned: Biting
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IP: C1B3 89A4
ok. well this is nice. good structure. heres the break down.
Every morning i wake realising a troubled day lies ahead Slide off the cover, feel ice cold wind blowing through the open window Slide on my t-shirt than freeze for a secound remeber what she said Mouthed the words baby i love you, as she raised from my pillow ^^^this was s SO SO opener, not one of the UMPH type opener's. but nice emotion bieng adressed. Kissed my cheek gently, wrapped her arms round my waist Wisperd in my ear today would be a change all would go well Waved and smiled like the sunshine as she brighten up the place But today was no better and didnt go well...and that id like to tell ^^^now this had a bit of a WOW lines in it. "Kissed my cheek gently, wrapped her arms round my waist" this was nice, i like this line this was the Opener of a good lil quatrain. Wishing of love had brought me this sight it was a full on illusion My mind playing tricks, making me see and feel what wasnt real Would my dream ever come true, each morning left in confusion But why was i worried, to me happiness just wasnt a big deal ^^^damn damn damn. so nice. i like that line when it says Would my dream ever come true. damn thats what you call a play of words, that had to be a sad line. becuase that frew the reader in. Styled my hair, attempting to improve the image of my self Nothing seemed to work, as all my defects stood out Tried to make things better, but was only risking my health Id figured it out, being sad and lonely is what lifes all about ^^^. ................. not much to say except WOW. man this was deep. "Nothing seemed to work, as all my defects stood out" man this was sad. all that work and all the defects show. damn. Id figured it out, being sad and lonely is what lifes all about Staring in the mirror once again i spot spot the girl Scared to look back incase her image dissapears Looking beautiful in her dress, as she slowely gives me a twirl ^^^this is becoming mellow now becuase now you are lacking the emotion when you really should be hypening up. you should have showed more intracate emotion. I finally gain the confidence to turn my head..she never appears Life was treating me unfairly atleast this is how it seems Ya see everyone else had happiness an angel sent from above No matter what i wished happines will always be in dreams ^^^ok you redeemed yourself in a very very emotional way. "Ya see everyone else had happiness an angel sent from above No matter what i wished happines will always be in dreams" very deep. i like this line the most. Realising i would never be happy....only living the fantasy of love ^^^this, this, this, is the THE UMPH line, man this piece was very nice lacked some things but this was nice. |
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06-14-05, 07:04 PM | #6 | ||||
†•The Council Nigga •†
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IP: B91A F28C
damn i really appriciated the feedback on this one. really helped me on what i need by breaking my whole poem down line by line. Thanks. -1 drop a link to your peice |
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06-14-05, 07:15 PM | #7 | |||
Banned: Biting
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IP: C1B3 89A4
kool. .
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06-15-05, 12:15 AM | #8 | ||||
†•The Council Nigga •†
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IP: B91A F28C
anymore feed please
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06-15-05, 11:01 AM | #9 | ||||
†•The Council Nigga •†
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IP: B91A F28C
...................... |
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06-15-05, 01:44 PM | #10 | ||||
Back....
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IP: C25E B201
I like this peice. It reminds me of a certain girl that I loved alot and she did this but never meant it. .... nice... I relate to alot of this.... It just reminds me of my ex which is bad and good. thanx and keep it coming..... I'll read them I promise....
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06-15-05, 03:08 PM | #11 | ||||
†•The Council Nigga •†
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IP: B91A F28C
sweet thanks for the feed man and thanks for enjoyin them....drop a link if you got anything you want me to peep..... |
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06-15-05, 04:52 PM | #12 | ||||
Back....
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IP: C25E B201
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=193318
thanx............................................. .........................
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Back..... |
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06-15-05, 06:45 PM | #13 | |||||
<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 0825 899A
Nice poem, i like it when people write about love, even though that tends to be the topic people choose with poetry, while some are played and boring, this was very good, nice emotion, and you caught my attention and kept it, good job on this.1
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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