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07-14-08, 01:32 PM | #1 | ||||
C.hristopher S.ean D.abatos
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DarkManner vs Flight
IP: 8F94 DD24
DarkManner vs Flight Rules Check-In's must be done by Wednesday. Verses must be posted by Friday. Votes must be submitted by Sunday. By midnight Sunday pacific time, the votes will be counted. Lines: 20 - 40 Lines Max. Topic: Silent Thunder Every participant must vote on a minimum of 3 battles. Please vote on battles that don't have a lot of votes, it doesn't do any good if a battle with 10 votes gets another while one battle has under 2 votes.
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07-14-08, 04:24 PM | #2 | |||
WhoAreYou?
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IP: A181 D033
czech .
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07-15-08, 05:38 PM | #3 | |||||
aka'd
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IP: 9E12 3286
yeah yeah
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07-17-08, 11:15 PM | #4 | |||||
aka'd
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IP: 9E12 3286
Silent Thunder
you can feel it coming, as if the skies start to darken both eyes on every line as his grip starts to harden a sudden surge, a quick burst, and everything around lights up walls crumble down, words can change the world with the right touch but there's no sound, just a man and his mind and even when the suns out, there's still clouds in the sky its concentration, hour by hour, patiently sliding the wrist alone in his tower, waiting for that lightning to hit and when the thunder rolls through, there's no crash reaction his fingers flow with ink, writing paragraphs of passion and he wonders about the thunder, is it hazard or magic there's always a spark in the clutter that kindles a lasting matchstick which lights candles in his hideaway, there's a glow in his windows there's always a storm on his page, as if his hands move when the wind blows but the rumbling of his thoughts usually brings colder days and the only freedom he has is printing till his shoulder aches relieve the pain, seeing rain water spill from the gutters but the words from his lips cause his fingertips to flutter and the thundercaps form once again, with a rage that could turn fate instead it rattles through his conscious like a snake in an earthquake he's always known about the storm, its what keeps him breathing that sudden explosion of energy is all he's ever needed its a silent thunder, a place where heaven stays ageless but it doesn't go unnoticed, you can read it on his pages... i like to think of my mind, as my own personal rain cloud thoughts pour like rain, and the music always stays loud the thunder roars, lightning strikes and leaves the sky and trees lit but its always in my mind, so i just write it how i feel it
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07-18-08, 05:51 PM | #5 | |||
WhoAreYou?
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IP: A181 D033
Silent Thunder All in a blinking sec... Fist connects with head embedding dimples filled with disrespect Chest deflects a step, and reps, the ripple dipped n ripped n bled Ribs rose in jagged unison to salute my foe Rhythm of his hittin started missing, might have bruised his toe Or grown bored? Sanity was severed with his own sword? No war, one-sided battery to shatter me Had to be savagery, the man he kept attacking me Grabbed a piece, with a glug i knew the slug was wrapped in me I felt the dark embrace, rage began to mark my face Said my final 'night, but no light? i must've passed that place Emptiness surrounds the embers burning in my soul Getting worse i feel it glow, now i yearn to make him cold Fury intensifies, armies of men will die Just to grasp that guy, soul deep into the afterlife Even if it costs me half of mine... Tinted grey vision blurs my sight as i watch him sleep Breathing my air, like the fiend didnt care Now he's feeling my stare, sweat beads in his hair My inner demons they flare...i'm gonna stop his 'beat I whisper, he's awake cos his urine disperses "How in the hell? I saw the funeral hearses!" Assuming he's nervous, he defecates abruptly Swings in the dark but hits too late to cut me His pupils adjust enough sink into mine Enveloped in darkness, he's thinking he's blind His screaming, it stops as i sink in his mind... He closes his door and he opens his drawer Trembling, he knows there's no control anymore... We stare at the gun, there's nowhere he can run Raised to his brain, it is fair it is done... |
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07-18-08, 07:22 PM | #6 | ||||||
Light Weight
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IP: 856E BCD8
damn this was a tight battle, two very good verses by both competitors. also two different takes on the topic
Flight: and he wonders about the thunder, is it hazard or magic there's always a spark in the clutter that kindles a lasting matchstick which lights candles in his hideaway, there's a glow in his windows there's always a storm on his page, as if his hands move when the wind blows ^^^ had to start with that group of lines, that shit beautifly written my dude no homo. the strong point of your piece has to be the direction you took on the topic. i think i zoned out and enjoyed the storm in my mind when i was reading it. thats how good the imagery was. another thing that makes this such a strong piece is the vivid connection you gave the storm to your writings. your vocabulary along with precise word choice is what held this verse together. its what propelled your imagery and overall creativity. a very good drop. . . . . . Darkmanner: Emptiness surrounds the embers burning in my soul Getting worse i feel it glow, now i yearn to make him cold Fury intensifies, armies of men will die Just to grasp that guy, soul deep into the afterlife Even if it costs me half of mine... ^^^that basically respresents your entire piece and the quality of it your emotion bled into this drop man. not sure if i wouldve taken the direction u took but it was easily understandable how i connected to the given topic. imagery was there enough to set the scene for the piece. good usage of multies. the only thing i could say against you is the execution of the topic. it sort of seemed like all you did was set part of the theme to fit the topic/tittle of ya piece. the bulk of the drop really didnt have anything to do with the topic. still a well written piece, but for that reason i have to give the edge to Flight v/Flight
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07-19-08, 11:03 AM | #7 | |||
WhoAreYou?
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IP: A181 D033
my piece was about murder and retribution
lol but s'all good though your feedback was solid nonetheless |
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07-20-08, 10:50 AM | #8 | |||
Skadoosh!
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IP: 2BA6 1F0F
This was a nice battle.
I thought that both of you took a fairly simplistic approach to the topic that was there to be flipped creatively. Flight had a better overall verse because I thought it was more polished. He had some nice imagery and a good level of emotion.. and he managed to have it flow through smoothly with a decent use of syllables for each line. Something so small can ruin a verse, but I think that Flight took the time to maintain a consistent level and it helped his verse become more readable. DarkManner on the other hand, I thought that his verse had parts that read choppily and it really made it a bit more difficult for me to get into the verse and therefore into the topic. He had some nice imagery and emotion in it too, but I felt that he failed to maintain a level of consistency in his verse and that is what left him down. Vote: Flight |
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07-20-08, 06:02 PM | #9 | |||||||
Thank You, Come Again
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IP: 4E8C 6C2D
I'll vote.. Darkmanner..
You wrote in a stream of conciouness style.. and it was very good how you did it.. It reflected the thoughts of someone.. however it was a bit all over the place.. but then again thats the beauty of SOC as Falkner wrote.. Flight was more consistant but the verse was a bit boring.. Didn't really take it anywhere besides the guys thoughts..
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