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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
01-17-04, 08:05 PM
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#1
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The Golden Chyld
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~The Emotion Behind Our Word~ ft. Peepers
IP: 6FAF 1DA0
Worth the read......check it out
I dance on romance's boundaries Hopin' to get a chance To glance under her limelight AND chant words with my hands A man trapped in a trance Normally he is the shy type More like an Average Joe Not good enuff for beauty's eyesight Very life-like But dead in ways at the very same time Can't seduce women He's always usin' the same lines Like a successful actor with stage fright Unable to make sense Unable to make cents No matter how often he entertains Ladies and Gents So he makes his amends Wit his soul purpose Unable to walk along in the day His whole life he tried to be perfect See's his shadow Disappointed he walks away Not righteous enuff in anyway To absorb the sun's light So one night he got fed up with life And these were the words his lungs recite My whole life I tried to be right But believe me it was hard Cuz I couldn't be with a woman without leavin' her scarred My heart was ajar To any lady who wished to walk in But the next day I'd try talkin' And her mind would juss keep walkin' Not stoppin ... Kinda good in a way Savin' me the commotion Cuz I can seldom speak without showin' my deep emotions Like part of me is broken - I could utter sweet nothings and mean "fucc me" Yet say "I love you" and not mean it But you couldn't say "Bite me !" without me leaving you bleedin' ... Sorry Those sweet nothing uttered were only bluffings i pray for something when i only receive nothing i beleive these cufflings bring me good luck i can't imagine all this was just over a fuck clutching my open cut, i stand at the altar i caught her in my angel trap and i will not faughlter she's altered my life in ways that brightens the grays shades the sun and displays the love, it all comes down to today i glare into her crystal blue eyes, even after i missed all her signs underserving of her love, from the first time i wanted to make her mine this collar, soaked in sweat, theses hands, shaking wet this day, my mind awreck, that moment, fear collects the girl, a smile awakens, our future, my heart taken all that either ends or begins today, the 'player' forsaken Here she comes, up the aisle, i know she's not in denial..... so many other girls i've defiled, how can i swear on the bible? my title, tattooed on my head forever, a married slave i carried my ways for years, now its time for a new road to be paved..... "I Do", a quick flash of my future, picket fence house and a pet But you see, the emotion behind my words......was only regret |
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01-17-04, 08:40 PM
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#2
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The Golden Chyld
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IP: 6FAF 1DA0
Uppin ... This shouldn't be slept on ... Peace
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01-17-04, 08:53 PM
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#3
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Oh Word?
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IP: 825B CC0C
Ok first thing I noticed about this was that the flow was on and off. One Bar you'd rhyme like 4 words and in the next line you'd rhyme two syllables. What I enjoyed most about this was that it provided the sense of actually being there for the most part. The description held well but the story telling element is was sorta lacking. It seems like this was rushed somewhat, there would be a deep line followed by a corny line because it rhymed.
ex. i beleive these cufflings bring me good luck i can't imagine all this was just over a fuck Worht the read though 7/10
__________________
<html> <center> <b> <font face ="Verdana" size="2">RhymeVantage HipHopRoots </b> <font face="wingdings" size="6">FBJ </font> </center> </html> |
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01-17-04, 09:18 PM
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#4
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Guest
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IP: 99DC 3E53
i wrote that line^ and i actually liked it too, i meant to say that before i started the peice
but i still see what u mean, and i agree about the flow being shaky thx, we need more peace |
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01-17-04, 09:22 PM
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#5
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: C1DA C961
..This was a decent piece...I agree with ^..Flow was on and off.but..your content..well made up for it..overall it was enjoyable..peace...
~Click on Free Stuff! |
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01-17-04, 09:27 PM
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#6
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Presently Light...Waits
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IP: 62C5 181B
damn......nyce drop, constant style....good flow, great read, good ideas...rhyme scheme fell off a lil towards tha end...but it was pretty solid, good twist at tha end, dope read.....good collab, keep it up....always room ta elevate, peace, 1
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<center> Soft Focus</center> "I'm stuck with...what i'm Stuck Wit, cause i don't Suck Dick" - Jadakiss |
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01-17-04, 09:46 PM
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#7
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The Golden Chyld
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IP: 6FAF 1DA0
Thanks for the feedbacc from all ... It is appreciated ...
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01-17-04, 09:54 PM
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#8
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Old School Sexy...
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IP: CB28 E7E2
okay.. this piece was good.. except the flow was off in some places.. like said above, some points you would have lines with alot of rhyming others there would be very few rhymes.. just stick to one style.. but overall the piece was written very well, nice piece..
__________________
Acro Nim
Initial, Period  We're Coming For You
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01-17-04, 10:07 PM
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#9
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The Golden Chyld
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IP: 6FAF 1DA0
LoL ... Damn ... Do that really matter ? Wat's wrong wit rhymin' more in some lines than others ? The reason I do that shit is to keep ur interest ... Peepers is prolly the same ... Shit Imma start usin' a simple ass rhyme scheme ... And watch people start complainin' even more ... But thanks for the feedbacc ... Peace
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01-18-04, 02:47 PM
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#10
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Guest
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IP: 99DC 3E53
word.......if you gotta substitute content for scheme and flow, it's nessesary....content's number one to me
thx guys |
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01-19-04, 03:24 AM
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#11
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Guest
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IP: 99DC 3E53
^ one last attempt
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