This is just a quick verse I wrote.

I'm abouta "drop" this flow
Like Lil' Jon gets "low"
Once again I'm abouta spit
Like my name was Corey Miller I'm killin' shit
How many niggas must I prove wrong
Niggas act hard but they wearin' thongs
I thought you was a G
But I was wrong I see
You got bark but no bite
They say you cant even fight
Now I know why you talk so much shit
You try to mask the fact that your really a bitch
Your like a animal usin' camoflaouge you aint it
But if I go down I'm goin' down swingin'
And I got more things to talk about then bling blingin'
When I spit these rhymes I'm spittin' the truth
This aint for the fame this is jus' for you
Dont get me wrong I want the fame
But thats not why I'm tryin' to get in the game
I'm trying to elevate so I can make a change

__________________

"Why would I argue with my own conscience over the truth? That's like me telling myself don't tell me what to do"-Canibus

you should of posted this in open mic,

structure- all your lines need to be about the same length

wordplay/vocab- you need to use better vocabulary, an you need to be more creative with your wordpla.

use more metaphors.

i advise you to read battles, in front line, elevated front lines, an elite front lines.
keep readin battles, an then eventually you will want to battle, an usually elevation comes naturally!!

peace

__________________
<center><img src=http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=6921=1 border=0></center>

dont give advice that is wrong...plus you are hardly elevated...

he was right about the structure and vocab and blah
but DO NOT and i repeat DO NOT!! pay attention to front lines or elevated front lines...just go read the LLL battles and that will give you a better understanding of how you should spit
don't post in here with your verse...read the rules next time post in open mic

that is all

good day.

how you expect him to elevate if he dosent take it one step at a time, judgin from the simplicity of his ryhme, i doubt he could jump straight in at the deep end!!!

there is some good battles in front lines, an the cat should know which battles to read, an which to jus skip!!!

Jay is a smart man, this thread is now closed
-Emerge

__________________
<center><img src=http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=6921=1 border=0></center>

here's what's wrong with ur verse...overall it's wack...

do wut emerge told u to do and u'll be fine...jus don't go biting people's lines