A 15 year old girl jus brought a life into hers
a baby boy made out of lust to live a life not deserved
wrapped up real tight to preserve, some warmth until he is found
as she kneels down, behind a dumpster and lays Her Son on the ground...

Katie jus had a birthday with 6 candles on her cake
daddy's gone out with his mistress while mom handles the heartbreak
when he comes home, mommy looks like she let vandals to her face
painted black & blue, mom & dad continue to gamble on Katie's sake...

A high school drop out, never worked, the thought of life enslaved Brent
sleepin on heat vents, between gents, restin his head on pavement
he often wished he could jus close his eyes, let go & fall away
there were no 3 square meals, the only time he ate was on holidays...

...Her Son's name was Bryan. Thats what the social worker named him
growin up in foster homes, its been 4 years and no one's claimed him
he looks at his guardians and sees a different skin tone
he's too young to understand his past, but knows this isn't home...

...Katie's mom is in the hospital, with several broken bones
2 cracked ribs, a dislocated jaw, fractured wrist, and a broken nose
a broken home, daddy's in custody, police ask Katie if she knows who did it
but she can't say and betray her father--she's barely in the double digits...

...5'11", 143 pounds, walks the streets of downtown Cleveland
passersby stare at him in shame, he knows he's living for no reason
his stomach growls, he prowls on Carnegie, goin through scraps from MickeyD's
feeding off other people's waste, but no taste more bitter than his reality...

...3rd day of second grade and Brent begins to understand
that his mother was not yet a woman & his father wasn't a man
it was show & tell, he jus brought himelf, and it was his turn for sharin
a classmate asks what his daddy does, and he says "i dont have no parents"
his eyes flood with salty tears, like the dam holding them back burst
little Brent was born a child in the crowded world of hurt.

...mourning sounds rumble the sanctuary, the congregation in black 'fits
while grandma grasps tight Katie's hand as she takes a glimpse in the casket
she thought her daddy loved her- but apparently not enough
he took away the most important woman in her life- to be taken away in handcuffs
through the eyes of this fresh teenager, truths are mere optical illusions
for Katie was born a child in the lost world of confusion.

...He wonders if his life is worth saving, staring at the raging waves waving
inviting him to join the silence, tries to relax, but instead lays tense
fighting the urge of self-destruction as he ponders on the rocks
who would miss him if he made up his mind to wander of the dock
there he sits- a troubled soul, the epidime of homeliness
David was bron a child in the depressing world of loneliness

please give me some comments, good or bad??

come on tell me somethin yall

I would have replied to this lastnight when you posted it but I got tired. I'm suprised you haven't got anyone else to reply yet. This was very good. The flow was good. Word usage was good. All of it was good. I'll just get to pulling out the parts I liked most..

"A high school drop out, never worked, the thought of life enslaved Brent
sleepin on heat vents, between gents, restin his head on pavement
he often wished he could jus close his eyes, let go & fall away
there were no 3 square meals, the only time he ate was on holidays..."

I liked how in that you said he wished he could just close his eyes, let go and fall away. I bet we all feel like that sometimes.

"...3rd day of second grade and Brent begins to understand
that his mother was not yet a woman & his father wasn't a man
it was show & tell, he jus brought himelf, and it was his turn for sharin
a classmate asks what his daddy does, and he says "i dont have no parents"
his eyes flood with salty tears, like the dam holding them back burst
little Brent was born a child in the crowded world of hurt."

That part was really good too. I've never been in that situation but the closest I came to actually feeling it was reading this. You wrote that well.

I could quote each one and pick out parts that I liked, cause I liked the whole thing but I'll try to keep this from being too long. I really do hope to read more from you like this one. It was very, very good.

thanks a lot for your comments legend...
MORE??

I don't have time to post a proper critique. after my first read I can say it's good... very good in fact. But I'll get back...

Peace

__________________
I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.

Alright, this piece had a great concept with wonderful execution. I really enjoyed this piece, the metaphors and imagery were all wonderful. I do have a quibble with the structure. As I understand, the structure was intended to be stories in the order of Bryan, Katie, Brent. However, in one part, you seemed to have written Brent when it looks like you meant Bryan (Second grade show and tell line), and in the last stanza you bring for a whole new character of David. Maybe I'm reading something wrong but with this type of poem, consistency of structure is a must.

Otherwise, it was a good poem.

Muh, thanks for pointin that out, i didnt even realize i typed it wrong....in the 7th section where it says "Brent", it is supposed to say "Bryan", and in the last section , "David" is supposed to be "brent".....i dont even know where David came from ha- that makes me see ur really readin it! thanks~

and philo, im interested in what u got to say, too~

very nice post. its captivating. as soon as i started readin it had me hooked til tha end. strong vocab and it flowed good. aloud me to realli picture wat was goin on. had me confused a couple of timez, but all in all very good work. much respect

thanks, for ur comments malc~ sorry bout the confusion...

other comments yall??

This was very good
the imagery
Vocab
the rhyme scheme
the whole nine
the only thing was that
the structure threw me off alittle bit
but ne ways it was very interesting
to read
look 4-ward 2 reading more 4rom u

~*one love~*

thanks illest, good lookin-

lookin for more comments

god damn dude...

this was one fuck'n ill piece....had everything...
imagry...structure well thought out...
i like that go'n from one 'world' to another then back the first...

the bryan and katie story i felt the most...brent one i wasn't feel'n so much but still one fuck'n hot drop....

-KeV-

I respect that, thanks-

Dont sleep on my yet yall~ I aint a pillow...