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08-18-03, 10:56 PM | #1 | |||||||
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tangible kodak moments
IP: DED4 6855
moment of truth as I stand there-- bare, in my purest form
modesty out the door, clothes to the floor, leaving security to the norm time to settle Eve's score, in my most vulnerable stage leaving myself open as a book awaiting plot's climax on each page passionate rage, bringing our carnal tendencies to surface with intent and purpose, his touch speaks verses left speechless, my vocal gestures deemed worthless all decency submerses, as the animal in me emerges as each movement rehearses, my eyes flutter with the very essence of him next to me letting loose, I touch his raw steamy flesh, as I border on the brink of extascy sensuously, we connect as we reach to grasp each other's privacies vibration-- hold my breath, fluctuate my pressure as he grips my hips tightly is this it? might he... expose what all along excited me? unsurprisingly, im overcome with what feeling seems enticing-- staring at his face blindly, a thousand thoughts inbedded in my mind with only whispers rising mentally realizing, the beauty in which I wallow in my gitty serenity savoring the pleasure of the moments pass from end to upon entry I display a smile contently, he acknowledges thanks with an eluding kiss I'll picture this, hang it in my frame of mind as the captured portrait of what making love is *edited for appearence
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"life is a game, you have to choose a side to play if i gotta pick a position, i'mma pick missionary." Last edited by Jes : 08-19-03 at 01:02 AM. |
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08-18-03, 11:22 PM | #2 | |||||||
Str8 From CopKilla Queens
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IP: C1DA C961
amazing,I was really feelin this piece it was just oozing with that something it felt like being in the zone just reading it, i'm just speechless excellent drop, 1luv.
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08-19-03, 12:59 AM | #3 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: DED4 6855
thanks 'da nfamous'. i appreciate you stopping by. and thanks for commenting
opinions are greatly appreciated. haven't written in a minute so i'm rusty, I know. so i'm pushing to get back into it. now i'm thinking that my pieces aren't appealing and that why no ones reading, and any writing talent that i remotely thought had, has gone to shit. Thanks
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"life is a game, you have to choose a side to play if i gotta pick a position, i'mma pick missionary." |
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08-19-03, 04:42 AM | #4 | ||||||
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IP: 73D8 AACD
Rusty my ass!
this was exquisite....I really really loved how you used the wordplay in this to really bring it out to it's fullest.... You show alot of talent...and I would like to read more from you |
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08-19-03, 08:08 PM | #5 | |||||||
"Cuz bruk said so"
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IP: F005 00C3
Imagery was on point, your flow was melodic, and your use of vocab, very nice. You painted a picture in my mind, and not just the scene unfolding, but the rush of emotion just leading up to the Act. So sensual, so pure and so symbolic, you put Love making into a refreshing and glorious light. Something that has been erroded over time and conquest. I really respect your message and the creativity you used to get it across. When most of us make less of something truley remarkable, you remind us that unification is pure, not tarnished in this piece. I really liked this post, I have total respect for you talent with words..
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FUCKA BABYLON BANDIT!!! |
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08-20-03, 01:28 AM | #6 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: DED4 6855
thanks you two (soultress and bounceydoggydog). Thanks for peeping and dropping a post. Believe, I will do the same.
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"life is a game, you have to choose a side to play if i gotta pick a position, i'mma pick missionary." |
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08-22-03, 03:59 AM | #7 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: DED4 6855
is this it? 3 post out of 47 views?
fuckin horrible if you have an opinion state it, postive or negative.
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"life is a game, you have to choose a side to play if i gotta pick a position, i'mma pick missionary." |
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08-22-03, 05:16 AM | #8 | ||||||
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IP: 9B33 081B
I'm sorry it took so long to respond, I was busy retrieving my jaw from the floor. How to put it; you put into words something that is wonderous and beautiful and you didn't cheapen it. In fact you made it a little more interesting because you described it so delicately. Basically the topic was off the hook because your style made it that way. As far as the flow and vocabulary..................
passionate rage, bringing our carnal tendencies to surface with intent and purpose, his touch speaks verses left speechless, my vocal gestures deemed worthless superb inter bar rhyming and when you speak it out loud it rolls of the toungue in glorious fashion. Very seldom do you hear multi's in poetry but I think this is the closest I have ever seen. In closing this IS ART one of the best pieces I've seen in a long while. 1 p.s. sorry I had to quote these lines............................................. ... -mentally realizing, the beauty in which I wallow in my gitty serenity savoring the pleasure of the moments pass from end to upon entry |
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08-23-03, 04:41 PM | #9 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 8197 FA9C
wow... amazing piece baby girl. Really really liked this. You just described what perfect love making is all about.
The emotions, the vocab, the wordplay... everything was just there, which made this an excellent piece. Keep dropping shit like this, I'm looking forward to your next post. Peace |
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08-23-03, 04:50 PM | #10 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 1FFA 3A98
it was alot of things in here that made me think and i could picture some of the things u were talkin bout....
dis was my favorite part: left speechless, my vocal gestures deemed worthless all decency submerses, as the animal in me emerges as each movement rehearses, my eyes flutter with the very essence of him next to me letting loose, I touch his raw steamy flesh, as I border on the brink of extascy |
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12-27-03, 03:16 AM | #11 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: DED4 6855
i have a second part to this... but before i post it, i'd like some more critiques.. how's structure, precision, transition?
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"life is a game, you have to choose a side to play if i gotta pick a position, i'mma pick missionary." |
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12-27-03, 09:43 AM | #12 | ||||
Straight Savage.
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IP: 8BEC CACE
To me, structure does not matter too much. It all accounts to the way words flow that matters. I had no problems there. Also your use of vocabulary painted a vivid picture and unlike alot of pieces in poetic scriptures and in Open Mic(where I venture more often) You didn't overuse the vocabulary and it seemed to make sense. This was a nice piece, nice to read, beautiful execution to portray emotions, just an overall good poetic drop.
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Only God can judge me, Who THE FUCK IS YOU?! |
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12-27-03, 03:59 PM | #13 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 5F0A 0E4C
The first part reminded me of this film i watched called 'Eve's Bayou'. About this little girl who kills her father (who she loves) out of rage that he 'touched' her sister. But as i kept on reading, i could see it'd a tainted and dark mind to write a piece like this and be talking about 'that'. And of course, if you are, then i congratulate you and slap myself.
Towards the middle it started to loose it's subtelty. Became more raw and blunt. Which i felt made it loose it's momentum a bit. But then it got back into the rythm. And ended well. Overall, though the middle a bit akward n all that, a resounding and telling piece. ...resp... |
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12-27-03, 04:12 PM | #14 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: EFB9 0558
when people say this piece was amazing...there is no lie in thier statements...this was an awesome piece...after reading this i felt inspired...you have a nice writing style...flowed well...imagery was on point....good ish...STAY UP
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