Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
01-31-04, 12:45 AM | #1 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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Worry Lines
IP: 1B3B C284
Desperate For Attention I Need A Docter Please Begging For My Life To The Lord From My Knees Asking Why I'm Deprived Of Good Health Capabilities Trapped To Wires Hooked To Sensors In A Facility Unknown With Blue Clothes And Discusting Food I'm Just An Old Man Why You Treating Me So Rude Placing Me With Help As If I Was Just Recently Born Speaking In A Unique Voice Are My Ears Deformed I'm In a Panic Yet Moving So Slow You Wouldn't Notice Where My Glasses I'm Trying To Put All This Into Focus I Feel As If I Had My Eyes Open During My Birth With Hands All Around Me Doing All My Own Work Machines Making Me Breath And A Bed To Sleep No Understanding I'm Underestimated A Lost Sheep With No Feelings Or So You Predictidly Assume Quick To Judge My Character Because Of The False Teeth Dick Didn't You Ever Think Because I'm Old I Want Privacy To Sleep Where I Raised My Kids Grew To Love Honesty No You Desperatly Think You Know The Persons Mind Just Because I Lost My Voice Doesn't Mean I'm Blinde I Still Wake Up In This Unusual Room With Distorted Creatures Quick To React To My Wishes Cause Of My Features So lord Answer My Question Why Am I In This Home I Just Wanted To Be In My Own House To Die Alone Beside My Family Picture On My Wall But Nobody Listens Or Sees My Aginy They Just Easily Jump To Jobly Missions Please Get Me Out Of Here I Can't Speak Listen To My Soul People Don't See Things The Way I Do Place Perspective In Control For People Asume Because I'm High In Age I'm Reachin My Time Look At My Desires In My Heart Not To My Faces Worry Lines
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Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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01-31-04, 06:03 AM | #2 | |||||||
1E
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IP: CEB4 82FD
i thought this was pretty nice.... it all fit nicely, with a good flow to it...
Just Because I Lost My Voice Doesn't Mean I'm Blinde// ^^liked this line.. i liked the metahpors you used ya verse.... maybe the actual rhyming scheme was a touch basic, but the rest made up for it.... really got the topic across..... |
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01-31-04, 07:09 AM | #3 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 263C 8B97
--[Flow]---
Flow was pretty good..i felt that it could have used some more internals but the fluently of it was good...you had some nice complex rhymes in there which inevitably helped. --[Vocab]-- Vocab was off-the-hook as usual...dunno how many syllables you used per bar..lol, but it was all rlevant not just a series of 10 letter words thrown in to make it look good, some dope shit in there: "I'm In a Panic Yet Moving So Slow You Wouldn't Notice Where My Glasses I'm Trying To Put All This Into Focus" "Please Get Me Out Of Here I Can't Speak Listen To My Soul People Don't See Things The Way I Do Place Perspective In Control" --[Concept]-- Liked what you were saying here...you had alot of - dunno how to put it, erm...Relative?, Relational? bars...it just sorta pulled me in and made me wanna read on, takes a good writer to do that. --[Overall]-- Was a doep piece, one of the best i've seen on Open mic this month...4/5..if you had done anymore like a hook or something it would have probably spoiled it...big props. |
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01-31-04, 10:05 AM | #4 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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IP: 1B3B C284
Thanks a lot for the positive feed back...and for the things i need to work on...it's apreciated...peace...uppen
__________________
Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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01-31-04, 10:17 AM | #5 | ||||
Banned: Spamming
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IP: C1DA C961
rule...at times I just think of you as a great battler..and than I read your open mics and think of you as greater open micer...what more can I say??
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02-01-04, 11:13 PM | #6 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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IP: 1B3B C284
uppen...thanks penskills
__________________
Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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02-01-04, 11:15 PM | #7 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: E9A8 A1F0
Nice man, I like the whole idea of this man, you get props from me kid...1
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02-14-04, 04:05 PM | #8 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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IP: 1B3B C284
thanks uppen
__________________
Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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02-14-04, 04:18 PM | #9 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: F229 1E93
can u hit my post up: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113884 gettin' mad slept on...
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02-14-04, 04:20 PM | #10 | ||||
New to RB
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IP: 4577 CD9A
thATs a tight flow, subject and all , i can relate to the same situation elaborated in your barz
Its the sharks |
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02-14-04, 04:59 PM | #11 | ||
Banned: Compromised Account
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IP: A560 AB42
yeah...i like this...worry lines..lol..tight...
the concept on this was great... u didnt try to put too much meta's or too much vocab..which i like cuz i dont wanna get lost...i really have nothing negative to say about this right chea....not perfect but nothing really wrong...sorry i cant give u any input on how to improve...lol...but anyway.. tight piece..please peep mine..and when u reply.. can u tell me why people center their open mics?... thanx.....my link is in my sig...thanx..peace |
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02-14-04, 05:12 PM | #12 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Flow is good... Vocabulary is dope as usual... Imagery is cool...
My crew boy... Lol... Proudness... Cool drop... Keep it up... Pz... |
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