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01-22-04, 12:16 AM | #1 | |||
Sand
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The Samaritan Clause
IP: 6CEE B2D4
we all know him,.. he's been old since our birth
so cold with his words it holds him with a curse he folded his happy feelings first, expressionless plus you can sense his emptyness if ya next to him he never grins, he only yells how he hates noise n' gets extra grim if he ever see's boys with toys because to him, todays youth is lazy and unaging he says "i did hard work, you think they payed me?!" his entire life has been one of poker faces n' frowns sulken phrases n' sweat by the ounce but as of now he just sits there with his depressed glance on life passed him twice after the death of his son n' wife now he lives all alone in a 5 bedroom home as he moans to the painted walls, and aging portraits of souls he once loved to the death of him .. or, .....the death of them, so now he has nothing, except money and hate and the wrinkles on his face make a symbol of dismay he takes pills all day, anti-depressents n' pain-killers but an ironic inverse reaction make his strain realer insane killers of happiness, lurk in his thoughts absurd and distraught, too blurred to ever walk with pride again in his life, ... his pride is empty .. so the next time you see him in the sun as he screams at your fun, remember the love that he doesn't possess, take some heart from ya chest and lay it out in the open, to unfold and rest because he doesn't have anything, n' u have it all so next time he get's mad cuz your having fun .. try throwing him the ball .. old people are about to die .. remember that, pz
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[ Word for Word ]
Kevin. Alex. Patrick. John. |
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01-22-04, 07:52 AM | #2 | ||||
Light Weight
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IP: DF7B C8F7
ok piece flow was ok in parts and you lost at times
same with the vocab. but quite good topic though (original) |
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01-22-04, 07:53 AM | #3 | ||||
Light Weight
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IP: DF7B C8F7
ok piece flow was ok in parts and you lost at times
same with the vocab. but quite good topic though (original) drop a vote on my battle http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108195 |
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01-22-04, 08:34 AM | #4 | |||
Sand
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IP: B20F 67F7
whack reply .. and don't double post ..
and i'm not reading your piece ever .
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[ Word for Word ]
Kevin. Alex. Patrick. John. |
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01-22-04, 08:41 AM | #5 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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IP: 1B3B C284
I really enjoyed this. The structure was good, flow was good, vocab was good.
This had a sudden twist...you ended it in a way I wasn't expecting..which was cool. I liked the topic..it was creative and enjoyable to actually see somebody right about there elders. Enjoyable read..i really liked it.
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Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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01-24-04, 11:46 PM | #6 | |||
Sand
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IP: A10D 4933
up.
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[ Word for Word ]
Kevin. Alex. Patrick. John. |
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02-02-04, 08:56 PM | #7 | |||||||
See ya.
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IP: 87B0 7F3F
Reply you pompous asses - Sand is barnone in the top three Open Mikers at Baprattles. . This was cool, man. We need to collaborate ..
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Word for Word
Kevin - Patrick - Alex - John - Ian . . the artists formerly known as Word Perfect . . Still > you. R h y m e | V a n t a g e |
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02-13-04, 12:22 PM | #8 | |||
Sand
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IP: EC0B 84C7
top 10 open mic, suckas.
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[ Word for Word ]
Kevin. Alex. Patrick. John. |
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02-13-04, 12:57 PM | #9 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 24A3 0EF0
heh..
good drop some nice imagery thru out the piece i could imagine it was the old man actually writing these thoughts down. and then as usual you ended it with a dope segment 'so the next time you see him in the sun as he screams at your fun, remember the love that he doesn't possess, take some heart from ya chest and lay it out in the open, to unfold and rest because he doesn't have anything, n' u have it all so next time he get's mad cuz your having fun .. try throwing him the ball .. old people are about to die .. remember that, pz ^ill. props |
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