Yo people, this is another one of mine. Check it out tell me what you all think of it ok?


The King

How much pain can one man feel?
As he watch’s his life,
Become the point of a hunters knife,
And knowing the hunter,
Is his only son,
Even knowing that what has happened,
Cant be undone,
Now for a new king to arise,
Only darkness is held within the boys eyes,
As he raise’s himself to the throne,
Only his mother knows the truth,
Will his mother show the world?
Or will she keep quite?
The Son does nothing but decides her demise,
The mother looks towards the heavens sky,
Cursing it with all her heart,
How can her son become what he is,
A sharp pain threw her heart,
Is all she feels before fading into the darkness,
Of the deep cold earth,
The Son can only smile as he walks away,
Carrying a bloody dagger with him,
He has now made a deal with the,
Devil himself,
Killing off his parents he is the true king,
As the years continue,
The Son continues the blood-line,
As he to brings forth a Son,
While looking into the eyes of his newborn,
He witness’s the darkness,
Hiding in his mind,
The King welcomes the darkness,
Hoping that One day,
The Cycle Will Begin Again……

Attached Images

1512754.jpg (12.5 KB, 881 views)

iight

hello again, seems i always get to reply to your posts first

well this one here i like better then your last one, not that it was bad, but this one paints more of a story, i can feel more emotion, but i still feel that it could go further dont be afraid to put it all out

i liked the way this started that first line got me interested, the way it ended was nice too, it was a twist, and it didnt end feeling like there should be more. the middle i didnt sway in and out i just wanted to keep reading so i could figuer out the first slighty confussing part, but thats good, i like poems that make you think, and still sometimes your not sure if you got the idea that the person who wrote it wanted you to get, ones that are just blah there dont make you think as much so they dont stay with you

there was sometimes i felt pure emotion, but you gotta get more of it in there

this here

The mother looks towards the heavens sky,
Cursing it with all her heart,
How can her son become what he is,
A sharp pain threw her heart,
Is all she feels before fading into the darkness,
Of the deep cold earth,
The Son can only smile as he walks away,
Carrying a bloody dagger with him,

was my fave part cause i could feel it, i could picture it, almost real, thats awsome

so up the vocab a bit, focus on the flow a tad, and throw in some emotion

all and all i liked it keep droppin

~Tera~
DONT HATE

__________________

well man...i feel ive seen this before...i read it aloud...n you got depth in ya meaning...its coo....ya structure is just as shaky as ya flow....n vocab could be elevated....but what you got here is pretty nice son

igido

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freelance

RN Vs RB WAR!!....yr 2000...vet~~YEA I SAID VET!! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT? STEP THEN YOU FUCKING HOMO'S

It held strong. The basis was there, and you went with it. Unrelenting.

It was a smooth read overall. Mainly because of the simplicity. If you'd made it more complex, some of the off points would've made it akward to read.

vocab sometimes used to a bit off. Not in terms of not meaning what it was meant to mean. But just where/how it was placed.

Overall, a nice enough read. I did get some good imagery from this.

..resp...

Yo people thanks. I going to keep trying to make better ones in the future.

Attached Images

1512754.jpg (12.5 KB, 18 views)