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11-12-03, 09:26 AM | #1 | ||||||
Guest
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Warped and Twisted Friendship
IP: F718 7AAD
Everytime something goes wrong
You look at me to blame You come and step up to me So I put you to shame Everytime you come over Its always the same Same old crap all day You act like it’s a game As I sit here riding the line I raise up to the light of fame A friendship is tarnished And it was all over a dame All the pain inside Can drive you insane You seem to have nothing Or so you claim Everything you do Is done in vain You say your in love Hell no, your sniffing cocaine I hear many things Of all that can be proclaimed I hear lots of stories That should be explained The past is past The future is now You want help Tell me how All I can say is that im sad For all that is happened in the past You want my forgiveness All I want is the truth This is a poem that I wrote about a week ago that I want to put out there to get some replies and to see what people think about it. Please tell me what you think of it. MM |
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11-12-03, 11:53 AM | #2 | |||||||
New to RB
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IP: A2EE 9F9C
your idea using stanzas was good.
and you went witha traditional rhyming scheme... that's definately ok. bu tyou were lacking in content and description. The type of poem you were tyring to put forth here couldn't happen because you restricted yourself with writing. For it to have enough description you would have had to have made it much longer or taken a more abstract approach... the poem didn't fit the style. I know it's cliche to say but i think that this was attributed to your decision to go with the structure you chose. You were bound by line length and rhymes. It can be difficult. Definately a good effort adn I wouldn't put it down but I'd work either taking a more abstract approach in the future or have more imagery and description. The ending didn't have a strong impact because there wasn't enough content in the poem leading up to it. .peace. .peace.
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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale. |
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11-12-03, 06:13 PM | #3 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: F845 C337
^I agree. It seems as though you didnt get ANYTHING out because you cut it short. I think you could probably go back and re-do this in a different rhyme scheme, or not rhyming, and get out so many emotions and so many things that you were probably trying to get out to begin with. Overall though it was a nice try, just needs a little work to get the emotion out.
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<center>Fuck it...</center> |
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11-12-03, 10:20 PM | #4 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: C1DA C961
Sweet, good job. Structure and scheme were good. One of ur ok ones. I kno the meaning, but some will get confused on it. Just ventin again, but then again u go through a lot of unneeded shit. Then again, out of all of us, who doesnt? Back to dis, good job. It'll get better hun. Keep yo head up. Much respect. Keep droppin.
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