http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...9932#post959932

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...9943#post959943

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...9952#post959952


Drifting, see society from the birds eye
The third eye assures me its ok no need to cry
It’s a lie I return home with a mind full of anger
Drunk off emotions I spread my depression like a cancer
Walk the streets, the homeless beg me for money
Not want food, want some poison to fill their tummy
It’s funny I ask for help but people shrug me
Fuck me they say so I pass it onto to others
Streets filled wit fuckers
Corruption fills the heads of the plain clothes undercovers
The silly buggers
Think they doin society a favour
Play ya out ya taxes but... when... in... trouble no-one gonna save ya
I crave beer
I see my faults but now I’m intoxicated
Struggle at uni I really shoulda concentrated
Emancipated?
From livin life in a box?
To a world full of evil walk round with holes in my socks
I’m equal
To every other man
But I’m under-privileged when I try a form a plan
I’m an enterpriser
With a metal covered jacket
Open up my mind and ya still couldn’t hack it
I see rackets...shooting in the clubs
You got your big benz and its still not enough
You crave love
But ya shooting with fog covered eyes
Hittin’ everything ya claim they were telling lies
No surprise
When we given 80quid dole to keep us happy
I don’t want handouts I want work where I can be proud to be
I’ve had enough
I see my future and I’m bankrupt
I can’t live in a world where even leaders walk in handcuffs
Look around I see anger dressed in Sanskrit
Catastrophe comes and some people thank it
When the end hits
People point their fingers
Not willing to look in the mirror
The evil still lingers

yo rhymes are ok but you would do betta if you kept all the lines kinda tha same length or peepz get confused, you feel me?, apart from that it was ok, just need to work on yo word play a lil more.

It hink ya need the beat to follow the rhyme cos it does flow fine even with mixed length bars. I tried writing it in a way you could follow but still.......

a lotta mixed bars you do need to work on your structure.
this is text, so it dosent really matter if it works on audio, use multies, so it ryhmes out lound an still looks good in text.

it was an aiight concept.
good drop
keep it up

peep 'racist' when i post it up in a few mins

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<center><img src=http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=6921=1 border=0></center>

They ARE even bars if you type it like this

But I’m under-privileged when I try a form a plan
I’m an enterpriser, With a metal covered jacket
Open up my mind and ya still couldn’t hack it
I see rackets... shooting in the clubs
You got your big benz and its still not enough
You crave love But ya shooting with fog covered eyes

Not perfectly even but you get the picture. .

Anyways what is Sanskrit? Iowno what's the dilly there. .

I suggest you use a lot of internal multies in your bars to keep the flow at a very high rate. . You do this sometimes but mostly you stick to the aa/bb steeze. .

pz

I thought it was alright. The kind of rhyme people can relate too. But I think you do need to keep your lines the same length though. Just to keep the whole thing flowing evenly.

Yo I appreciate wat yas all sayin but it really is even. I diddn't write it as a text I worte it as an audio and the rhymes fit round the beat. I think you are reading it the wrong way if you think it doesn't rhyme.

Inspire yeah I know one of my main faults is not throwing in many multies and sticking to a pretty basic rhyme scheme but thats generally cos I don't wanna take the emphasis on what Im trying to say.

When reading this as a text, it does lack the flow..but as an audio i can see how this shit will flow like the tide.....but you need to work on your rhyme scheme however, if you get the emssage across as you said..then who the fuck cares if theres a few words outta place here n' there....

You showed that you have good vocab, use it more efficently..but you generally executed it well... .hope to hear the audio of this...

Keep spittin....3/5

this is powerful stuff man, your multis have gone up a notch but its your imagery, as ever, which stands out here. originality was here, the vocab got the pont across and the rhymne scheme worked nicely.

good stuff.

You really need to work on structure. Sometimes I couldn't even see the rhymes. Your punches need to be better.

Well you obviously not reading it properly. And it's not a battle piece hence no punches!