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12-09-03, 09:45 PM | #1 | |||||||
Registered User
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trapped (please dont sleep)
IP: 0529 08C9
im new to rb but i wrote this yest. and would really appreciate feedback..
i cried me a river that led to an ocean spilled all my feelings and spread out my emotions you told me you loved me so i let my heart open then you said it was over leaving me crushed and broken i tried building a bridge that would cover the pain but in the past you walked across it and took all i had to gain you got to the other side before i had a chance to change and once again walked away leaving me full of shame i threw my tears in the river along with my soul and let the currents flow take total control as i slowly walked across, the swinging bridge couldnt hold all the weight i was still carrying, so it began to fold i felt the rope shaking from this side to that side so i turned and looked back and saw you trying to hide i realized you were pulling me back, making it even harder to try so i stopped trying to run i decided just fight it back or die i pushed you back trying to get out of your sight but you shoved me over the rope, i started praying for life then you reached out for my hand trying to make things alright i trusted you one last time, and you watched me fall thru the night i hit the water like concrete; gasping for some air waves crashing me against the rocks slamming me here to there then you dove in swimming after me like you cared and i tumbled down a waterfall, why cant this be a nightmare? after the long drop everything became calm and smooth and i attempted to get out the water but i was struggling to move finally, i was washed onto a shore, all broken and bruised i freelycrawled on the beach, and vaguely still saw an image of u CAN I EVER ESCAPE YOUR PAINFUL PLEASURE? OR AM I TRAPPED IN THIS ENDLESS TORTURE FOREVER? thanks...
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ Last edited by blyndedsoul : 12-13-03 at 01:07 PM. |
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12-10-03, 02:51 AM | #2 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 4577 CD9A
damn im loving your structure the first and the last paragraphs are what im feeling the most ..shyt was deep i know how it feels ..been going thru some shyt myself..figure'd id give u feed back the title fits the poem perfectly and im glad it was worth taking the time out to read
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12-10-03, 03:47 PM | #3 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 0529 08C9
aww thanks, yea its just everything i felt the past year, you know, its really not about a certain person its more love in general, afraid to make that extra step, but afraid to lose...
waitin for more replies; newbie needs advice...thanks..
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
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12-10-03, 04:18 PM | #4 | |||||||
Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 4427 B15C
you show alot of talent for a newbie!
this piece was full of emotion and you showed it well your flow was basic but didnt take away from the piece and structure was simple as well your message was strong and you didnt play it out making it long with out any change kept us interested and made new changes to keep us reading your ending was good but i felt your intro could be improved a bit more and your vocab too. nice piece ~Tera~ DONT HATE
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R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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12-10-03, 05:12 PM | #5 | ||||||
Banned
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IP: 1B3B C284
this was nice i gotta say also it did have alote of emotiom....nice image of the poem...great stuff keep it up...
peace |
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12-10-03, 06:25 PM | #6 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 7F1E 23B4
thanks...
waitin for more replies..
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
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12-10-03, 06:46 PM | #7 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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IP: 1B3B C284
damn...for a newb you really brought a lot of power in your words...good creative thoughts you kept the reader motivated and captured which is hard...keep it up mayn...peep my stuff thanks
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Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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12-10-03, 06:49 PM | #8 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 24A3 0EF0
HELL I KNOW WOT UR SAYIN HERE. BEIN IN LOVE CAN BE UP AND DOWN. IM LIKIN THIS PIECE MAN. SHOWN GREAT EMOTION IN A STRONG CIRCUMSTANCE. SWEET DAWG
PEACE OUT. |
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12-10-03, 08:22 PM | #9 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 7F1E 23B4
thanks..any more..thoughts??and rule ill check ya stuff...
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
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12-10-03, 09:27 PM | #10 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 9D46 5614
if you are a girl then i really liked it kna mean but if your a guy then you need to man up bitch kna mean, it was real good it shows how some niggas can be kna mean keep postin more positive shit like this and move on with ya life ma kna mean
(crossing fingers hoping it's a chick lmao) |
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12-10-03, 09:39 PM | #11 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 7F1E 23B4
yea its a chick lol...
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
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12-10-03, 10:24 PM | #12 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 9D46 5614
blynded hit me up ma kna mean so we can convo
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12-11-03, 05:29 AM | #13 | |||||||
Flyweight
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IP: 3D77 82FB
damn, this shit come from the heart and if I was dumb like dat, I'd say dat the shit you said was real. But 4real off the hypothetical tip, yo shit is real. Keep it up
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Ya shit is no competition like 'trucker hats' against some 'fitteds' nigga I'll fade u away like J's on the ballin court in a 'arcura' wit 'tinteds' -mindkontrol none yall niggas wanna see me... |
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12-11-03, 04:04 PM | #14 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 7F1E 23B4
thanks everyone ill keep ya tips in mind...
til next time...
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
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12-11-03, 07:04 PM | #15 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 7F1E 23B4
just wonderin but is there anymore?
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
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