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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
01-09-04, 04:20 PM
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#1
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Guest
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Back in the Days fah me.
IP: F957 559E
Back in the day we all had it rough, Where jobs weren`t good and food stamps weren`t enough. We were all alone because dad walked out, But being who she was mom worked it out. She struggled like hell to make ends meet, But we had a roof over our head and food to eat. Our clothes weren`t the best we made due with what we had, With old hand me downs and some old tore up rags. As time passed on things got worse, Mom lost her job and dad was still dispersed. But I got older and I found a job, Didn`t have shoot, sell drugs, steal, or rob. I did the things dad was supposed to do, I also became the man mom wanted me too. But I still had school and couldn`t do it alone, But just one look at my mom and it made me strong. I talked to my teachers and they did what they could, But their help to me still did no good. But it`s been said "GOD is always on time", Mom found a job and to this day we are still fine. So all I have to say is see what prayer can do, And if you call he`ll be there for you. Now that`s what back in the day was like for me, I painted the picture now can you see?
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01-10-04, 10:09 AM
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#2
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Guest
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IP: C1DA C961
Uhhuh real shit...............................structure was off but I like it .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......................
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01-10-04, 10:36 AM
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#3
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Guest
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IP: D028 8E88
Your structure is really fucked, I hate reading paragraphs.
Make your lines more like .. Back in the day we all had it rough Where jobs weren`t good and food stamps weren`t enough etc .. It makes it a lot easier to read. The content was basic, just speaking on that real tip .. Nothing really eyepopping here, but as a whole, you got your point across .. Try to think of a more creative, original topic .. Keep writing and elevating .. |
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01-10-04, 10:37 AM
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#4
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Registered User
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IP: D464 A806
structure ya verses like
.................................................. ....rhyme .................................................. ....rhyme rather than a paragraph..it would help oops dude above already said that.... but ... melman ya flow really sucks |
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01-10-04, 11:06 AM
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#5
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Flyweight
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IP: 399E F0FD
I really liked this piece, although everyone has already said the structure was off, I also think that next time you could use more vocab than just the simplistic words. Your flow was great and you did well with the plot, try writting with a different topic, I don't know why but this kinda reminded me of another flow but keep up the good work..!
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