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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
01-13-04, 08:35 PM
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#1
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Like Whoa...
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Neglected Facts
IP: 3273 E58A
This is the first poetry peice I think I've dropped..
So Try to give me some good insight...thanks peace Her feelings are woven loose without purpose Her mind could steal the show, if it weren’t for the curtains If her heart was exposed, there would be nothing left to feel So she reveals enough off her chest, just to say, “I kept real.” Thrusting problems to the back of her mind, she proceeds Concerned solely about where the road begins, not where the road leads Not comprehending that she could hurt all the people that surround her She steps into the Dirt, and says farewell to the one who really cares about her Oddly enough she’s now cast in darkness and her problems have doubled She can conceal them with a beaming smile, but that’s not solving her troubles That Filth is all that remains for her sadness to confide and hide in Lost her friends, and her lover, so she just remains beside him To bad she couldn’t hide it, or shower before I was enlightened She can attempt to deny it, but it wasn’t Grimy who focused on enticement I thought I encompassed her heart, until I saw she’s never yearned For love, and after she cheated on one for me, You think I would’ve learned |
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01-13-04, 09:50 PM
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#2
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Guest
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IP: C1DA C961
In some ways I can relate to this, but in many ways I cant. Especially the cheating on someone. I've been cheated on but never cheated on anyone. You would think that we would learn from things, but we never do, and seem to get hurt. I liked this. there was a lot of emotion flowin through this and the flow was great. It was great for your first poetry drop. Overall, great job. Keep it up. Hope to see more of your work.
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01-14-04, 05:47 PM
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#3
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.BeTteR ThAn YoO!.
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IP: 1370 FB1A
Not bad brother...back from the dead i see haha its been a while...to the poem...the structure was different but it was written quite well...there were some good lines here mun..."Her mind could steal the show, if it weren’t for the curtains" I really liked that line...nicenuss there mate...its real nice for your first drop ay...Keep at it for real mate...Hit me piece up ay..."I Always Leave My Lights On"...Pz...
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01-14-04, 06:55 PM
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#4
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Guest
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IP: 4621 6ECB
Probably the first poetry-orientated one. But i'm sure you've done open mic, which are also poetry (as if i needed to even say that that..)..
The first four lines were blistering. Maybe cos i understand it so well...but it also was very well put. From there it went on to, in a way, disect and depict in a solid enough manner. At times a bit stale...which maybe shows inexperience in writing this kind of poetry. Because as i said, the first four lines were very good. And many other parts held up very well. Of course, when i say stale...i mean in comparison to the other lines. The ending was kind of abrupt. But left an unusual feel to the piece...(well, kind of).. ...resp.... |
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01-14-04, 07:34 PM
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#5
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Guest
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IP: 3772 7376
Lol at taking Cam's style of centering and fucking it up completely ..
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01-15-04, 08:34 AM
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#6
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Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 4427 B15C
your intro to this piece was very well written, and pulled me into this piece. your vocab was very good, and examples you gave to explain her situation were real and simple, easy to see where you are coming from. the part about the road, about only concerned to where it starts and not were it leads, is my favorite part, for the fact that i relize i do that alot. your ending i found ended suddenly and perhaps needed some more feeling to it. but the whole piece in general was a great read.
~Tera~ DONT HATE
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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01-17-04, 12:14 AM
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#7
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Words Of A Legend
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IP: DB6B D6F3
That poem was great. It had alot of feeling which I like to write/see in poems.You got into some detail in what you were saying which was good too
 Last edited by ¤KiNgPiN¤ : 01-17-04 at 12:57 PM. |
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