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01-21-04, 08:20 PM | #1 | ||||
Over Weight
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In The Shoes Of..
IP: 6236 079F
As I tell these stories, they captivate your whole mind, Some of hate and glory, others of new life signs, Please sit back and listen, you may even acknowledge some, Because your stepping in the shoes of, my choice of anyone, In The Shoes Of..A Police Officer Stepping on the same street, of a day by day beat, He's meant to be fighting crime, yet his mind is in retreat, His pistol at his side, his handcuffs at his back, Take's his cruiser out for a ride and, repeats the same track, He's the man who places the tape around the crime scene, The hardest working of them all, yet he's never really seen, In general he's considered a hero, alone he's not much, He keeps street thugs in fear though, with 30 minutes for lunch.. In The Shoes Of..A Teacher Inner city children, lives are torn apart she knows, To teach these little thugs, the life that she has chose, Her pay isn't much, but the benefeits are the jobs peak, Weekly pay's triple digits and such, but her health care's why she speaks, You see she'd been in an accident, had almost lost her life, Why to a good samaritin pascifist, who she be filled with such a strife, But had it of not for her health care, the debt she'd face is worst, Without it she'd be as good as if laying face first in a hearse.. In The Shoes Of..A Beggar Life consists of nothing more mere than the corner, It has boardered her as a loner, her deep tan makes her a foreigner, To most people she's just considered a Jane Doe, The woman you give spare change to, yet you don't even know, So, she mumbles to her self and you claim her crazy, But maybe this wouldn't be the fact if people weren't so damn lazy, "Oh who cares for here", "The bitch is completely nuts", Maybe cause she lives in cardboard huts, and has a limp when she struts, Why would she need medical attention, she just another useless face, No one bothers with her, a desolate space to place what was originally erased, Something you'd hate to end up being, but you've just got the bitter taste..
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Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
Last edited by Sarcasm : 01-22-04 at 10:03 AM. |
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01-22-04, 10:02 AM | #2 | ||||
Over Weight
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IP: 80DC 53D9
Upping all of you aholes..
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Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
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01-22-04, 10:08 AM | #3 | |||
Banned: Biting
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IP: E06B 51EB
i'm not gonna bullshit you this is one of the best open mics i've seen in ages. it had flow, structure,topic's and wordplay, good work.
9/10 can you repay the favor. will ya vote on this battle. thanks. http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108879 |
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01-22-04, 10:17 AM | #4 | ||||
Banned: Spamming
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IP: 4577 CD9A
..Very impressive...great imagery..good content...you're always coming up with nice material...keep up the good work...peace...
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01-22-04, 02:34 PM | #5 | ||||
Over Weight
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IP: 4577 CD9A
Dope thanks people..
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Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
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01-22-04, 03:04 PM | #6 | ||||||
Fuck You, I'm Iller
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IP: 843C 2CD1
Good way to show different perspectives...
Would have been dope as fuck if you would have chosen roles that blur over into the other sections... Finding a common thread and seamlessly blending the perspectives would have been godly.... Good piece nonetheless
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<center> Did I Beat You Before? Yeah, Probably -An Original RB Member: Yes, We're That Much Better- |
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01-22-04, 03:09 PM | #7 | ||||
Middle Weight
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IP: 9DAE 3ADA
^That's exactly what came to my mind as I was reading it. Dear God, you should try rewriting it in that manner. This piece would be insane if that were the case. Nonetheless, very nice. Nothing I didn't like about it....and I've always got some sort of negative for people's Open Mics
Plz check this out. Problems: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108962 |
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01-22-04, 04:49 PM | #8 | ||||
Over Weight
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IP: C1DA C961
Sleepers creepers..
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
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01-22-04, 04:52 PM | #9 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 4287 3F49
dope putting it in different perspectives was a nice touch.
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01-22-04, 05:08 PM | #10 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 6B9B 7A3C
Death 2 all...Nice content
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01-22-04, 05:16 PM | #11 | |||||||
Free Agent.
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IP: 1A62 B95E
One Of The Best Shit I Have Read In This Open Mic...Thats Cuz I Only Read One Before You IM Just Playin, I Liked Your Shit. Your Flow Was Hot, And It Was Very Creative. Nice Piece, Keep Postin...
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Run! The Return..
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01-22-04, 08:53 PM | #12 | ||||
Over Weight
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IP: C1DA C961
Dope..upping for mroe replies
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Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
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01-23-04, 08:26 AM | #13 | ||||
Over Weight
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IP: 80DC 53D9
Come on poopoo heads
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Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
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01-23-04, 05:12 PM | #14 | |||
...
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IP: A9A7 727D
I liked that you told more than one story, that was dope.
I think the teacher's story could have been elaborated on more. You seem to have the technical aspects down, but try experimenting with different flows and formats,gives you a challenge when you write. I think there should have been an outro...piece with an intro should have one. just looks like it died after the beggar's story, know what I mean? maybe try leaving the reader with a moral
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Life isn't a bitch... she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis |
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01-23-04, 05:15 PM | #15 | ||||
Over Weight
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IP: C1DA C961
^^^lol..I was going to do it..the outro..but I lost my writing mood..
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Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
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