into darkness I stare
there's a happy place, tho i'm sure where
i don't think anyone reely cares
watching my life go by
as i write this, i cry
only to make ink run, as i do my fears
fears of hatered and dismay
maybe ill be loved someday
in some strange kinda way
dreaming of you
you dreaming of me too
that's all i can do
wishing to see ur face
waiting for u to stop my cry
you tell me there's never a reason to die
but i thought you lied
so...can you guess what i tried?

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That was beautiful sweet thang.I really enjoyed it,altough it was kinda forced (cry,die,lied,tried).But all in all it was worth the time to read.

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VOTE ON THIS PLEASE>>>HOT SHIT!
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...642#post1184642
BANG BITCH!

thnx. at points this was forced but this is all based on a tru story. so i kinda had to force it to keep the poin intact

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Pretty Simple, but to the point, had lots of emotion. flow was good, vocab was alright could be better, but since it's true story, it's kinda hard cause i dunno the word for it....just is. Anywho, nice piece keep droppin

Peace

I can tell this song had emotion

I liked this:



That was DOPE.....
This ain't no battle so I won't say
(Structure, lengthen etc)
It really don't apply here
If you got emotions built up just DROP EM

Tho I do think it would go together better if you added
a little more details to each line
It might KNOCK it out the park

Other than That I liked it


JamesJr.

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undefined
Love for all real lyricists and poets
~~~~~~~~
Open Mics
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=112397
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111729

2nd Battle NEEDS 4
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111647
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=110858

for this being a true story i feel you could have added alot more to it. it was choppy and forced, and just because its real doesnt mean you have to force it to stay on the point, let it come naturaly. just because this is isnt a battle doesnt mean that structure and lenght, ect dont apply here. your structure was choppy, but could be fixed up easily. i too feel it needs more detail, and you could up your vocab. its a piece that can be taken and added on to.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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thnx 4 tha feed bak, thnx filed ill try wurkin on it a lil bit, but the reason i left it at thet was (like anutha 1 ah my poems) i wanted 2 see what people thought of what i write in the heat of the moment, thnx agn 4 tha feed bak

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