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Old 02-02-04, 09:23 PM   #1
JamesJr.
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Lightbulb My time
IP: 22D2 4A11

My Time

(a lyrical demonstration)

(For consrtuctive criticism)

When I feel it I bust it, I just come up, kill it and crush
Off top I'm ill with consumption, Now you're feeling disgusted
But you're gonna feel it if it's real when I dump it

I stop the presses cars collide
You'll get shot to death, if you're hard come try
Not to be feared,
But reckless my heart's the drive
I got to be clear not reckless, my heart decides
It's what got me here, the stress is what makes my heart alive

Fuck their decent tendencies, I'm feasting on enemies
Each one of them that mentioned me, Fill em up with amphetamines
Kill em I'm done with them, What's the recipe??


Now since my alternative option, Is No longer exsistent
It's an extinction, Witnessing this political prision
Thinking twisted individual living... Is missing

Operations uncovering weapon smuggling thugs
That was suspposed to be muscled by hustling drugs

But life is what you make it 2 be...And nothing less
Not what you can take for free...I hate the belief impatiently

People think by accident things come in there presence
And that's not the half of it, Asking questions
Questioning...The effect of friends, And all of the rest of men


Like asking Who the fuck is gonna be there, when the lights are out?
I'm telling myself noone come and see what's it's like in this now
I'm putting the singed mic down, & Crying everytime I writing this now

Vulchers only concerned with there own inheritence
NEVER compared or dense...So sacred and convinced
They don't catch a glare or glimps, They're not prepared for shit!!




JamesJr.





Last edited by JamesJr. : 02-03-04 at 10:54 PM.
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Old 02-02-04, 09:32 PM   #2
Dev
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first off you need to even out ya bars a bit... and lengthen them... the way they are, fucks the flow up, also ya need to be carrying ya rhyming further, n build on ya scheme... introduce some internals n shit... and be more consistant... keep working on it...........
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Old 02-02-04, 09:44 PM   #3
Penskills
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this just seemed too simple to me..your scheme was very basic..and your flow and wordplay was lacking..read some dope OM's on here and take some notes,^ Dev is pretty dope read his...peace..
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Old 02-02-04, 09:49 PM   #4
Word Definate
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even your bars...like he said...be more consistent n come with new shit....fresh topics people dont see too often...
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Old 02-02-04, 10:00 PM   #5
JamesJr.
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Sry.... it wasn't finished

I'll wait til next time

JamesJr.
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Old 02-03-04, 07:22 PM   #6
JamesJr.
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upping #2


Need some criticism
it wasn't fully finished when other said their say.
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Old 02-03-04, 10:29 PM   #7
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I like the opening, a little short, and it needs tightened up a bit, but good.

"Fuck their decent tendencies, I'm feasting on enemies
Each one of them that mentioned me, Fill em up with amphetamines
Kill em I'm done with them, What's the recipe??"

Ouch, that could be a killer, but it feels like something is missing, maybe some direction, channel that anger, if it was a battle line i'm sure you could eat some one with that.

"Operations uncovering weapon smuggling thugs
That was suspposed to be muscled by hustling drugs"

I like the word play, the "s"'s they just flow. It helps me to hear the beat you have in your head.
I agree with the other people that you need to even up a few of the bars, but they must not understand the idea of transition in song,... flippin the beat and killin it.


"Like Who the fuck is gonna be, There when the lights are out
I'm like noone come and see what's it's like now
I'm putting the mic down, Crying everytime I write now"

You really lose the beat here, but the emotion keeps it on the page.

You're closing was alright, but extend extend extend.
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