I try to be brave...
I'm just a slave risen out a fiery grave...
my mind is deranged...
I had a cold heart till I was lyin' in flamez...
I'm walkin' with heat...
electric chairz got dead men walkin' the street...
I've talked to the beast...
this barren planet is soon to be engulfed by the sea...
demonz in hell...
breath in to heathenz the most evil of spellz...
I speak em so well...
voicez underground of fallen angelz screamin' through wellz...
fiendin' for shellz...
the murdererz pop another clip in and blast...
semen has fell...
when I planned for those from Sodom to to have a dick in they ass...
faggots will burn...
I arranged for ass attackerz to be catchin' the germ...
only then you maggots will learn...
that when you die all that's left is just some ash in a urn...
sprayed ninez hate crimez all of the most evil of thingz...
demonz who sing of abominationz only deceitful people can bring...

Good lookin for givin me sum feed back on my shit...
THis shyt was real hott...i feel ya...its real good lyricism goin on there...Some ppl might say that you need to even out tha lines and it messes tha flow up..but i can see how sum shyt is supposed to flow...keep this shit up...lookin to see you drop more...holla

__________________
~Jerzey~
As I'm Blessed with
Tha best gift

~One~

Holla at cha boi

thanks man...I try to switch my flow for every verse but still have multiez in every line...so that explainz why the structure'z different in every verse...but in this piece I tried to make every other line about the same length...so all the odd linez are similar in length and all the even linez are similar in length...

This started out nice, the middle started to have content sacrificed for flow, and what the Hell was that ending.

I would definitely revise that ending. You go from talking about fallen angels and dead men walking to homosexual tendencies and such.

"voicez underground of fallen angelz screamin' through wellz..."
^^Right where the quality dips into suck.

Also, spell out the words wholly and correctly. There is no need for that stupid "z" instead of "s" shit.

I'm talkin' about the sinz of homosexuality and murder...hence the last line...and as for the spelling issue...I can't help it if I ain't a preppy white boy like yaself and for the record...a fallen angel is usually a demon...which come from hell...and walking dead people usually also come from hell...holla...

yo this piece was cool until u lost ur flow...i think thats really the only thing u need to improve...u seem to start well but then mid way lose the ridim. yo cud ya hit ma battle up wit a vote this shits gettin slept on

I has nothing to do with skin color, fucktard. I has to do with proper grammar and correct spelling.

Being "real" doesn't incorporate butchering the English language, idiot.

Homosexuality is not a sin.

for [$]...it flowed good to me when I spit it to myself...and muhthugga...if you've actually read the Bible...you would see that homosexuality is a sin...why else would 90% of homos have some form of STD...so just stop now before you sound even more like a faggot...

^^PLEASE dont tell me youve read the bible...lol....
.....thought this was an interesting read, a bit diffrent.. but once i got the flow, was feeling it... and with some good content, you always manage a good scheme too,