Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
02-09-04, 03:20 AM | #1 | ||||||
Anti Drug=Pre-marital Sex
|
Photographs....
IP: 2F46 BF0E
Existing only through pictures, past memories preserved
Capturing every moment, etched in time and well deserved Looking back, reminiscing about our inevitably ill-fated past Life was moving quick,but never expected it to be this fast Slowing down to take a look around, analyze my situation Listen silently for the sound, only hearing breath of hesitation I can play each picture back, movies trapped inside stills Forced to progress forward, away from you,against my will The future lies ahead, holding cards while dealing our fate Maybe someday our paths will cross, patiently I will wait Absorb my mind with remember whens? stories tell of old this will happen never again, a promise that will never fold Undying anxiety, forwarding time to cure my sleepless mind Only to look back again, forgetting I'm still being left behind So much left unsaid, unspoken words always haunt this face Missing pieces leave me puzzled, too hard to put back in place Like a timeline, i can identify us, from beginning to the end Distance defined, but nonetheless, you are still my friend Even the black and whites still show the colors we created Setting backgrounds for memories, every moment dated Picture books and binders house our whole entire story I'll keep flipping through them until you come back for me
__________________
<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548"> |
||||||
02-09-04, 03:36 AM | #2 | |||||||
New to RB
|
IP: EC0B 84C7
seriously dope. i enjoyed reading this piece and im glad that i did. created very
strong imagery. i expected that considering the title and it did perfectly. your word choice was very nice. you were consistent with wut you were trying to say which is another good thing. and the structure was near flawless. fav. line: Even the black and whites still show the colors we created Setting backgrounds for memories, every moment dated ^tight. keep at it. peace
__________________
<center>"There Will Always Be Someone Better Than You...<center></center>...As Long As I Exist"</center> |
|||||||
02-09-04, 05:11 AM | #3 | |||||
This is my first post!
|
IP: ED3C 7BC1
that was serious sickness drop probably one of my favs
it was constant and u can tell this kid is heart broken cuz of some event, moment w/e and the emotions are put well through ya words, i can see this as a hip hop song as some other heartfelt peices cant, and in my opinion thats a good thing.also the word choice ur last lines were also illl.
__________________
<center> <img src="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=9076&stc=1"</img> <A Href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111987">t</a> We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office Aesop. |
|||||
02-09-04, 08:18 AM | #4 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 40D6 EBC3
Nice man...
Good imagery here... Since a did a piece about Photography, there has been quite a few similar topics released... Hmm... Lol... Good imagery... Vocabulary was cool... Structure was jus normal... And flow was good... The closer was nice... A good quoteable... Nice sort of flip at the end... Liked it... You rarely drop OM's anymore... Start to man... Or im not gona be happy... Hit up at least one of the links in my sig... Thanks... Pz... |
||||||
02-09-04, 04:00 PM | #5 | ||||||
Anti Drug=Pre-marital Sex
|
IP: 2F46 BF0E
uppin this for more feedback.............pz
__________________
<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548"> |
||||||
02-09-04, 04:07 PM | #6 | ||||
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 4577 CD9A
Very nice~~~good imagery...along with great flow and vocab...I haven't read many pieces from you.but...now I'll start looking for it..peace...
|
||||
02-09-04, 04:19 PM | #7 | ||||||
Anti Drug=Pre-marital Sex
|
IP: 2F46 BF0E
thanks for the feedback penskilly...much appreciated, i gotta go to work but i'll definitely hit up some more of your work later on tonight..
__________________
<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548"> |
||||||
02-09-04, 04:20 PM | #8 | ||||||
Anti Drug=Pre-marital Sex
|
IP: 2F46 BF0E
yeah this was a keystyle but the topic has a lot of special meaning to me...i keyed it up quick but i put a lot of heart and feeling into it...
__________________
<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548"> |
||||||
02-10-04, 09:52 AM | #9 | ||||||
Anti Drug=Pre-marital Sex
|
IP: 2F46 BF0E
uppity up.........................................
__________________
<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548"> |
||||||
02-10-04, 01:02 PM | #10 | ||||||
Anti Drug=Pre-marital Sex
|
IP: 2F46 BF0E
uppin this shit for more feedback.................
__________________
<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548"> |
||||||
02-10-04, 06:56 PM | #11 | |||
Fuck You, I Rhyme Better
|
IP: 0FEA F3EA
only flaw i saw...and i mean only
dont up the thread too much your comma use maybe once or twice could have been fixed... a touch of internal rhyming never hurt anyone.. ex: Slowing down to take a look around, analyze my situation Listen silently for the sound, only hearing breath of hesitation I can play each picture back, movies trapped inside stills could have been: Slowing down to take a look around, analyze my situation Listen silently for the sound, only heard (was hearing) breaths of hesitation (flows better) I can play each picture back(add word found for a better transition), movies trapped inside stills thats all your getting out of my, the rest are state secrets...hit me on AIM anytime, after all im suppose to be helping you kids these days, drop a dope OM and it all goes to their head, LOL good drop here!! |
|||
02-10-04, 07:38 PM | #12 | |||||||
Flyweight
|
IP: 4577 CD9A
Nice piece - captured that feeling of longing and frustration with time. Good word choice. Flow was on point only lines I saw that seemed off were:
"Like a timeline, i can identify us, from beginning to the end Distance defined, but nonetheless, you are still my friend" I think that second line could use one more syllable. Strong closer - which is always important. Hit my "Broken Metamorphosis" if you get a chance. |
|||||||
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|