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Old 01-31-04, 12:45 AM   #1
rule
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Worry Lines

IP: 1B3B C284

Desperate For Attention I Need A Docter Please
Begging For My Life To The Lord From My Knees
Asking Why I'm Deprived Of Good Health Capabilities
Trapped To Wires Hooked To Sensors In A Facility
Unknown With Blue Clothes And Discusting Food
I'm Just An Old Man Why You Treating Me So Rude
Placing Me With Help As If I Was Just Recently Born
Speaking In A Unique Voice Are My Ears Deformed
I'm In a Panic Yet Moving So Slow You Wouldn't Notice
Where My Glasses I'm Trying To Put All This Into Focus
I Feel As If I Had My Eyes Open During My Birth
With Hands All Around Me Doing All My Own Work
Machines Making Me Breath And A Bed To Sleep
No Understanding I'm Underestimated A Lost Sheep
With No Feelings Or So You Predictidly Assume Quick
To Judge My Character Because Of The False Teeth Dick
Didn't You Ever Think Because I'm Old I Want Privacy
To Sleep Where I Raised My Kids Grew To Love Honesty
No You Desperatly Think You Know The Persons Mind
Just Because I Lost My Voice Doesn't Mean I'm Blinde
I Still Wake Up In This Unusual Room With Distorted Creatures
Quick To React To My Wishes Cause Of My Features
So lord Answer My Question Why Am I In This Home
I Just Wanted To Be In My Own House To Die Alone
Beside My Family Picture On My Wall But Nobody Listens
Or Sees My Aginy They Just Easily Jump To Jobly Missions
Please Get Me Out Of Here I Can't Speak Listen To My Soul
People Don't See Things The Way I Do Place Perspective In Control
For People Asume Because I'm High In Age I'm Reachin My Time
Look At My Desires In My Heart Not To My Faces Worry Lines
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Old 01-31-04, 06:03 AM   #2
Dev
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i thought this was pretty nice.... it all fit nicely, with a good flow to it...
Just Because I Lost My Voice Doesn't Mean I'm Blinde//
^^liked this line..
i liked the metahpors you used ya verse.... maybe the actual rhyming scheme was a touch basic, but the rest made up for it.... really got the topic across.....
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Old 01-31-04, 07:09 AM   #3
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--[Flow]---
Flow was pretty good..i felt that it could have used some more internals but the fluently of it was good...you had some nice complex rhymes in there which inevitably helped.

--[Vocab]--
Vocab was off-the-hook as usual...dunno how many syllables you used per bar..lol, but it was all rlevant not just a series of 10 letter words thrown in to make it look good, some dope shit in there:

"I'm In a Panic Yet Moving So Slow You Wouldn't Notice
Where My Glasses I'm Trying To Put All This Into Focus"

"Please Get Me Out Of Here I Can't Speak Listen To My Soul
People Don't See Things The Way I Do Place Perspective In Control"


--[Concept]--
Liked what you were saying here...you had alot of - dunno how to put it, erm...Relative?, Relational? bars...it just sorta pulled me in and made me wanna read on, takes a good writer to do that.

--[Overall]--
Was a doep piece, one of the best i've seen on Open mic this month...4/5..if you had done anymore like a hook or something it would have probably spoiled it...big props.
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Old 01-31-04, 10:05 AM   #4
rule
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Thanks a lot for the positive feed back...and for the things i need to work on...it's apreciated...peace...uppen
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Old 01-31-04, 10:17 AM   #5
Penskills
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rule...at times I just think of you as a great battler..and than I read your open mics and think of you as greater open micer...what more can I say??
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Old 02-01-04, 11:13 PM   #6
rule
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uppen...thanks penskills
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Old 02-01-04, 11:15 PM   #7
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Nice man, I like the whole idea of this man, you get props from me kid...1
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Old 02-14-04, 04:05 PM   #8
rule
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thanks uppen
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Old 02-14-04, 04:18 PM   #9
RythmicTendicies
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can u hit my post up: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113884 gettin' mad slept on...
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Old 02-14-04, 04:20 PM   #10
sHArKs
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thATs a tight flow, subject and all , i can relate to the same situation elaborated in your barz
Its the sharks
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Old 02-14-04, 04:59 PM   #11
GameTime
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yeah...i like this...worry lines..lol..tight...

the concept on this was great...
u didnt try to put too much meta's or
too much vocab..which i like cuz i dont wanna
get lost...i really have nothing negative
to say about this right chea....not perfect
but nothing really wrong...sorry i cant give u
any input on how to improve...lol...but anyway..
tight piece..please peep mine..and when u reply..
can u tell me why people center their open mics?...
thanx.....my link is in my sig...thanx..peace
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Old 02-14-04, 05:12 PM   #12
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Flow is good... Vocabulary is dope as usual... Imagery is cool...

My crew boy... Lol... Proudness...

Cool drop...

Keep it up...

Pz...
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