|
|
|
|
| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
04-23-04, 12:56 PM
|
#1
|
|||
|
Light Weight
|
Street Lights
IP: 6DCA 81D9
Street lights
A night of tossing and turning... ...almost absent of sleep Nerves upturned knowing in the morning ...he will finally drop to the single knee . . . . Morning brings nerves as James tries to perfect the words to say Hoping her reply will bring forth such an unforgettable day Cant help but to smile from ear to ear as he pictures the reaction But the nerves raise his hearbeat to the point he has to push it back in Prepares for the task at hand trying to look perfect but time crawls Seems like miles go by trying to get to the ride at the end of the apartment halls Emotions constantly slip and fall, but in the heart James must be right Finally reaches the car, checks the mirrors... ... and once again replays those words he has in store for tonight Praparations fall into place, pictures her face at the sight of the rock Reflects on the love thats formed from sleepless nights with soulful talk Almost to the intersection but cars have stopped, on Aurora and Shale So hurried to call the cell to make a new time, but only got voice mail Just a slight set back, she must be busy, maybe had to stay late But no harm done, called Sage, and pushed back our dinner date "Oh great" James thinks as firetrucks and ambulances rush by Thinking why today had to be the day idiots tried to drive Becoming worried, James gets voice mail again, followed by calls to Sage Its sad how nerves can turn such a minute inconvenience to rage 30 minutes go by and for some reason James' stomach starts to sink Cell rings, but its not the right tone. Instead the ID reads... Mercy Clinic So he starts to think, I lost my father last week, did my mother go? And as the phone approaches his ear James' stomach is now glued to the floor "Hello" he says with an uneasy tone, hands shaking, almost dropping the phone "I'm sorry inform you your brother Mark has just been hurt... his car - T-Boned Tears begin to fall. "Is he ok?, how about the other car?, was anyone with him at all? "He's already gone sir, and a girl - Carrie is still stuck, frame is still being sawed" Could it be? Carrie? do they mean mine? It cant be!!! "Whats her last name?" "Carrie Todd" "Oh god...... No... "Will she live?, Is she in pain?" "I'm sorry sir, but word just came through, she isnt going to make it" And at that moment, the realness of the whole stiuation began to hit Senses overloaded, its like connection not meant to be started to spark And then the phone drops, James looks up and honestly wishes he were Mark Its doesnt make sense, but for some reason all the thoughts are in his head But the one above all is his jealousy of the recently dead Another 20 minutes, finally traffic begins to move again But James stays still, fearing where he should have been Too emotionally drained to put the foot on the gas Cant believe ...he lost love so shortly after accepting it at last Thoughts relax, but still knows life will be tough Especially the thought of not getting to heaven soon enough Throughout the years been through a bunch But now is the time for to endure true fights But its odd how a trip for lunch Would put his emotions through the cycle of the street's traffic lights
__________________
<center>The Text God</center> |
|||
|
|
04-23-04, 03:49 PM
|
#2
|
|||||
|
retired.
|
IP: 75F5 BDD1
Very nice.. I feel the emotion, especially at the end. Still wish you could have done more than the "wish he was mark" line.. also it seems to me to be less of a poem then a topical, seeing as how it lacks imagery and metaphore... overall a very powerful story, but you could have spent more time at the end on the emotion.
peace.
__________________
RIP SMOKAJOKA WE WILL MiSS YOU!!!!!!
|
|||||
|
|
|
04-23-04, 04:12 PM
|
#3
|
||||||
|
Light Weight
|
IP: E3CA 7CA2
that was cool it just needs a little more rhyming
__________________
I don't need a gun to shoot I don't need to throw punches, cause with my lyrics its an instant K.O  
|
||||||
|
|
|
04-23-04, 06:19 PM
|
#4
|
||||
|
yawn
|
IP: 06D4 9403
That was really good. Another poetry head im hopin. Cause i need a couple cats up in here keepin it active. This had really nice mind imagery, you knew what he thought without going into his mind. It had great emotion during hte phone call, but the end i liked too because though it was lacking emotion it kind of fit the mood. If something like that happened you will most likley not deal with it and block it out, leaving no emotion. But thats just my idea, Great piece i want to see some more from ya in the future.
__________________
do your research.  |
||||
 
|
|
|
04-23-04, 11:28 PM
|
#5
|
||||
|
Light Weight
|
IP: 6DCA 81D9
Quote:
Its a poetic topical you dumb fuck You dont need a rhyme scheme in it..... Moron
__________________
<center>The Text God</center> |
||||
|
|
 |
| Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Linear Mode
