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09-23-05, 10:29 PM | #1 | ||||||
Flyweight
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Your Girl
IP: 324D 54B7
Man this the girl that you know and you cool with,
The one that you talk to and share the same school with, You talk and you mack but she don't get the hints, She doesn't see that you want it to be more than a stint, You want her for you, Fuck anyone else, And you in the classes you have her you dread hearing bells, Cuz when she's gone you feel empty, There's nothing inside, You almost ask her out but when you start, Within you you hide, And just waste some more time, That's you could've spent with her, And you so in love ya most best recent memories was with her, Even if she only looked back and asked to borrow something, Not much, But you look in her eyes, They sparkle like Diamonds, Gold, Pearls, You love her so much, Noone else knows but you knows she "Ya" girl, |
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09-28-05, 02:53 PM | #2 | |||
1926
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IP: 28AD 5545
This Was Very Basic.
It Had Some Emotion, But Nothing To Presentable. It Had NO Imagery, Except Maybe 'The Bell Goes Off' ... I Mean This Really Lacked Everything To Be Concidered A Nice Poetry Drop. It Seems Like You Spent Little To Know Time On This. Next Time You Should Really Work On Imagery The Most, The Emotion You Had Is Sufficient And Will Get You By If It's Backed By Nice Imagery. Things Like Metaphors, Similies, Descriptive Speach ... Any Of That Could Have Helped This Piece Alot. Also, Tryn Make Your Next Piece Longer. This Was A Very Brief Little Poem Here. Really Just Set Your Heart And Mind Free On The Page, If You Force Material It's Always Going To Seem Artificial Or Weak. I'll Check The Next One You Drop Though, Maybe This Was Just A Quick Write Or Something. Stay Up And Keep Elevating Man. |
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09-28-05, 11:55 PM | #3 | ||||||
Flyweight
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IP: 324D 54B7
It is basic and I really just wrote this up in 4, 5 minutes. I really appreciate all the tips you gave me man and will look at them when I write my next little poem or whatever. I like battling and all that talking shit but I've always wanted to try on my poetry stuff. Thanks again for the feedback and the tips. Really help alot.
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