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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
01-10-05, 11:01 AM
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#1
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God is a Fable.
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Imperfection
IP: 4CE6 23AE
I am naked... heart and soul, I feel so vulnerable and broken turn away from me I cannot let you see my scars is it external, internal or a drift of my twisted memory? I try so hard to be all that is expected feeling lost, rejected.. Am I true to myself anymore or am I fading? A toy of their desires, their sincerity jading Intermittent patterns tracing confusion feeling helpless Fragmented sanity to fray reality clouding my mind I slip further into the unknowing and pray for myself I am nothing to them but a toy of sexual indiscretion Ignored mind while the hands betray the sanctity An object of prize no more a human of intellect Words twisted to defy meaning of depth and intention deadly Fake smiles with agenda hidden I can’t be what you wish me to be Starvation plaguing the strength within my veins Cuts tracing the once unblemished flesh to vomit frustration Laughing to hide the tears and crying to fight the fears Unable to stand alone for my spine splintered along the years Cemented to the pedestal and raped of my self respect Images drought the barren emotions from abuse and neglect Can you not see I will not be claimed by likes of you? My heart is broken but held together by another’s fingertips I am not a doll that can be sculpted to your fantasy My flesh is not your palate to touch and taste then throw away My eyes cannot be shattered and blocked from the truth You cannot get deep inside me without vengeance unearthed I grow weary of being used as your whore And you shall never see me breaking My smile will hide the aching ..I’ve lost myself. |
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01-10-05, 08:21 PM
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#2
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IP: 74E2 4E7B
Cemented to the pedestal and raped of my self respect
Images drought the barren emotions from abuse and neglect Can you not see I will not be claimed by likes of you? My heart is broken but held together by another’s fingertips I am not a doll that can be sculpted to your fantasy My flesh is not your palate to touch and taste then throw away ^^^all those lines there, are very well written, i loved you imagery in this poem.. and the 1st person stance you had taken made it have a more realistic feel to it... from beginning to finish you went away with your imagination, your words were abstrakt to a sense, that this whole poem could be an extended metaphor.. it gives the reader something to think about.. i believe the extended metaphor i believe this was Adam with the forms of him being naked, and "imperfect".. at least it reminds me of the Bible in that sense.. the fact that man was "lost" in a sense that we gained knowledge but had not actually achieved any favor in His eyes.. but anywayz, i was feeling this poem.. you should drop another some time.. 
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01-11-05, 04:31 PM
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#3
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God is a Fable.
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IP: A2E4 FB2D
Thanks hun really much appriciated feedback from you like always... im gunna be dropping another piece either later tonight or tomarrow some time... look out for that one... dont think it will be as good as this one but it will be good like all of mine
uppin |
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01-11-05, 04:56 PM
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#4
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1926
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IP: 28AD 5545
Woooooow, Its Been A Long Time Since I'v Read Poetry...
And This Was A Great Way Get Get Back Into It... I've Actually Never Read Anything From You Before But You're Very Talented... Aiight On To Some Critiques And Ish... You're Vocab Was Amazing... People Say My Vocab Is Endless And You Had My Reaching For A Dictionary At Times... The Emotion Of The Whole Piece Was Insane... The Stength In The Emotion Kept My Interest In The Piece... Cuz Everyline's Deph Grew Greater Than Its Predasessor... Very Nice Mayn I Loved That... The Concept Of The Piece Was Also Very Tite... The Whole Idea Of Idecision, The Search For Identity, The Defence Of Identity... Some Really Deep Subjects That Were Touched Here... And I Think You Carried The Whole Idea Of Everything Perfectly... There Is Nothing I Can Complain About Here... The Whole Piece Was Pretty Flawless... I Like How You Arent A Fag And Didnt Tryn Rhym Every Line... Rv Tends To Do That For Some Reason... Even Though Thats Technically Poetry, But I See It More As Topical Writing... Again, Very Nice Piece Mayn... Stay Up And Keep Doing What Your Doing... .One. |
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01-11-05, 06:40 PM
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#5
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<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 0825 899A
This was a dope poem man, your imagery was beautiful here, and your vocabulary was impeccable as well, you described everything so perfectly, you asked a lot of thoughtful questions and really showed a sense of wonder about what you were feeling, i always enjoy reading poems like this, great job, keep dropping..1
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D   *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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01-11-05, 11:51 PM
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#6
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Banned: Cheating
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IP: 8A1A D0A3
DAMN!!
this was a very nice poem, very good word usage, vocab was high, good descriptive writing |
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