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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
05-16-05, 06:09 PM
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#1
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Poet's Daughter.
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Untitle
IP: 0751 1986
I dont know what the hell i was doing. But anyway leave feed. My mind is going crazy in this world of depression Trapped in darkness, The pain in me aches me like arson Where’s the door out of here, and where’s the key Who can unlock it? Who with bravery can unlock me Paper and pencil in front of my eyes. What do I do with it? Picked it up, with trembling hands, with cold chapped lips Words formed on the paper, as I scribble “I’m nothing” Grasp my head, feeling like my fingers going into my brain Tears formed and course through my cheeks, to the floor Dropped to my knees, feeling my heart is burning to the core Putted my hands on my stomach, I want this pain out of me Please get out, leave me alone. Set me free, to be relieve Then my nails, started to go deep in my stomach, am I in labor? The pain won’t stop, and I didn’t stop making scars on my torso I started to pound the ground, to tell the devil to let me go With all my might, I broke one of my fingers, I started to wail I cried even more, when I looked at the dislocated finger Rolled on the floor, back and forth, it hurt so much. Then finally I putted my sore body on the bed Closed my eyes, sees nothing but darkness With one breath, with one movement Finally ………………….I was sleep. Dropped that same Piece on rb. Let me see what ya'll think. 1
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mystery Is a Freak!! ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life. Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8 ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do. Smartone Freal:  ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged* |
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05-16-05, 08:42 PM
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#2
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<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 3240 794D
This was good, i was feelin the vocabulary and emotions and such,but i feel that it was missing something, maybe it was a certain rhyme element or maybe a word that touches the soul,like the oomph was missing,but you wee so close though...i think you have talent in this subject and please dont quit,but it wasn't bad,it just needed more..1
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D   *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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05-16-05, 09:56 PM
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#3
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Poet's Daughter.
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IP: 9DDB 553F
Thanx............................................U ppin for more feedbacks
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mystery Is a Freak!! ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life. Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8 ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do. Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged* |
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05-16-05, 10:05 PM
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#4
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A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: 2029 97B3
hmmmm this was decent
you feel off towards the middle,the vocab was okay,i think you could of did more with this....the piece just seemed a little basic,the imagery wasnt bad though you expressed your views nicely,the only thing i feel you really need to work on is staying on subject and fixing your speeling errors make sure before you drop every piece you use spell check so you well not have this problem next time,anyways keep dropping man peace
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Crhyme Sindicate
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05-16-05, 10:12 PM
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#5
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Poet's Daughter.
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IP: 9DDB 553F
^^ Valor, what's your aim?................................Thx for the feedback.
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mystery Is a Freak!! ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life. Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8 ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do. Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged* |
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