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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
06-24-05, 11:17 PM
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#1
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New to RV
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happier now
IP: 5CC6 36EA
all i can see is my reflection in the object i hold two dark eyes stare back at me with disappointment they scream at me with anger but they seem scared at the same time i hear mummbling and feel rain drops on my skin as a chill goes through me, i feel i piercing pain in my body everythings a blur and theres a nauseating feeling inside when i realize what i've done i'm lost in the world what have i done, how do i hide this i'm alone, faced with my fears and actions unable to hide the pain and scars i'm confronted by an unknown questioned about my new hobbies and interests i'm speechless i think to myself leave me alone no one will ever understand i'm in my own world now lost but happier then before Last edited by Domakesaythink : 06-25-05 at 12:26 AM. |
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06-24-05, 11:46 PM
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#2
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Banned: Biting
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IP: 0086 7B47
ok this is pretty good for a newb, i like the wordplay. the structure threw me off but nonethe less, this was ok. i would have like to see the lines of this piece leveled, but write now its all over the place, i would preffer to see this in a center text, so that i can actually read it poetically. but this was ok. 6/10
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06-25-05, 07:50 PM
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#3
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<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 28AD 5545
This was pretty decent, you portrayed your feelings well,and the objective of the poem well, i think with some minor proofreading(for grammatical errors) this would be better, i think the structure..hmm,the way you end your lines so abruptly,makes it kind of choppy,but if you make your words flow better, your poems will be that much better, nice job, keep dropping.1
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D   *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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