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07-08-05, 07:50 AM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

War Cries

IP: DD64 705B

Sweats coming from his open pores, coursing down his face
He hides in the bushes, rifle in hand. Breathing so heavily pant.
Moves quickly to 1 bush to the other. Then see's the house
Coast is clear, makes his move. Time to chase the mouse
Stands in front of the door, with no awareness he feels paranoid
Not waiting a minute second, left his foot and then boom to the door

-The Son-

Sitting at the table when erupted silence of boom echoed in my ear
Saw a shadow with a gun coming near. I started to feel afraid and fear
With my heart-beating, I ran quickly near the exist. The back door
I panted and panted, not looking back, already in pain my legs are sore
Breathing so heavily, then everything happen so fast. Agony hit my back
Feeling so hopeless I dropped to my knees, trying to crawl, but i lack
Flipped my body, saw the person coming toward. I put my hands up
I couldn’t hardly speak, but my hands cueing "Please beg mercy, fuck"
Then I started to choke..Couldnt breathe...heart beating so slowly
Gasping for air, but couldn’t get none. Last word i heard was "Rest in peace"

-The mother-

My Eyes Widen in horror as I saw my own son being shot by an unknown
Like my heart was being pulled out, I was shocked. I was physically thrown
Cropped to my knees, crouching, and trembling, shaking with salty tears
Quiver lips, feeling Scared. Shaking my head trying to wake from this nightmare
He's going to come after me next my mind went. Quickly I ran to the door
With Teeter hands, I turned the door-knob and peeked looking at the horror
Worried decreased, but the fear stayed in me. Knowing the coast was clear
I ran to the nearest phone, Picked it up with worry ness being increased. I was in fear
With my fingers acting like it got a seizure I dialed 9-11, feeling so heavily impatient.
But everything happen so quick, As I heard "police can i help you" as i fainted

-Himself-

Shot the 2 suspects, feeling so victorious. A smile crept across my face
Standing atop the dead bodies. I felt no regrets, didn’t even thinking to pray
Then my eyes started to go un-blur when All of a sudden i felt my heart.
It was so sore, i crashed onto my knees, my lungs started breathing so hard
Looked at the dead-bodies, they looked familiar, the one i loved in a pool of blood
Back door all open, walked to it then saw him. My son. Feeling so shocked, I stood
My fingers on my head, felt the handle of the gun. Then thinking, while choked on tears
That I wanted to forgive them. But How, then thought of heaven, might as well go there
Put the barrel of the gun aiming at my head, with quiver lips. I Pulled the trigger
Down I went, and hopefully heaven I'll go. Mind so attach in war, I killed my own people

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07-08-05, 07:51 AM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: DD64 705B

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=198661

Uppin............................................. ..................

07-08-05, 08:39 AM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: DD64 705B

.................................................. .

07-08-05, 08:49 AM

Incineratedrose

To The Ground...

Posts: 3,332

Joined: Oct 2004

From: Arizona.

Status: Offline

IP: 478F 042A

I liked it, the story and / or concept line was golden, laid out very well and im suprised that no one has responded yet, the feedback has gone to shit. how shitty!

Anyway, i liked the whole thing, word choice, the way it read was really good, didnt bore me to where i felt like i didnt need to read the rest of it to get the jist, it had me eyes glued, good job.

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07-08-05, 09:50 AM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: E71D BCB5

Thanx....Hopesfall...............Let's battle!!!!!!!!!

07-08-05, 12:06 PM

Odi et Amo

Posts: 3,675

Joined: Feb 2004

From: Alosta City

Status: Offline

IP: 55DA 11D0

Concept of the piece was very creative and you worked it out nicely in my opinion. I love how you portrayed the story through the eyes of different people, especially the last part of the murderer himself was very strong. The vocab was on point, had good amount of complexity but everyone could understand what you were trying to express. Flow was okay, structure was cool like I already said with the division into different parts. The emotion was pure, expressed the feelings very clearly and the imagery was there for sure. I could picture everything within my mind like watching a movie...

Nicely written piece!

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07-08-05, 12:16 PM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: E71D BCB5

.................................................. .......................

07-09-05, 09:38 AM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: 363C E843

.................................................. .......

07-15-05, 10:34 AM

#10

N.Tavarez

the medicine man

Posts: 7,487

Joined: Jul 2004

From: East Coast

Status: Offline

Text Record: 43-6

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 0-0

IP: 8B7B DE28

DAMN tweets, you really killed this one
very creative piece here, love that u told it from different perspectives, it added emotion to the story, covered a nice topic, used very good vocab to paint ya pictures
very sad ending

dope overall 9/10

07-15-05, 11:10 AM

#11

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: ADBD 16C4

Thanx........................Uppin................ .....

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