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Old 11-14-05, 11:04 PM   #1
trentjw
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please critique my stuff

IP: 352B 2918

It was monday mornin' up at dawn
yawnin' same old uniform im sportin'
Poptarts for breakfast same old
erectness this lifestyle is so infectious
head off pack some shelves
wish they'd unpack themselves
Doin' it to stand on my own two feet
just to make my ends meat
Come home to the same home grown
given that relaxed feeling to my dome
I spark an spark some more
till im seein hore's butt naked on my floor
Start driftin' into a deep sleep
drop the weed on my sofa seat man im beat
Wake up screamin am i in hell
with fuckin' forked demons? am i dreamin?
No! my house is on fire its all haywire
fire burning down my damn empire
Takin' a leap through the nearst window
faster than a ford pinto creating a winnow
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Old 11-15-05, 01:30 AM   #2
Red Stroke
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IP: 2029 97B3

Alright Verse Was Cool..Rhyme Scheme Sucked Though Work On That Fam...Also Work On Vocab...Structure Was Decent Delivery Came Well Nice Going Man
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Old 11-15-05, 01:36 AM   #3
allik war
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ima tell u like i told da other guygood flow but too original n plain n simple howeva ya see it but nice drop holla
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Old 11-15-05, 10:56 PM   #4
Speats
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yes man like i told you on msn, this is pretty good, and if you want people to read your thread, you have to up it iight
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