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Old 10-20-05, 03:23 PM   #1
Viva
Cuz I'm Old Skool Baby
 
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Dead Weight (WILL RTF)

IP: 042E 9E4C

If you clicked the link u may as well leave feed now that ur here!!!!



She was dead late.
His body already hung like a dead weight
Brutally strung up by the misguided hands of fate.
No longer could he endure lurking in contemplation,
He did it. How? 'Without hesitation.' Her explanation.
Long did despair overshadow the lights in his life,
His home, his daughter, his future wife.
He couldn't see it.
His eyes were clouded with tears of doubt,
No-one could have known,
unless one is on the inside looking out.
Adrenaline must have lined his veins,his brains not making sense.
Some will think:
leaving this concrete casket, his final show of strength.
He is not the first, he will surely not be the last.
More will die by their own hands, to escape-
the present, the future or the past.
It is always sad. The question hangs-why?
The only one who could answer hangs-
in his attempt to reach the sky.
He didnt realise the anguish he would create
prayers to him ask 'why, Hugh?' He wanted peace and quiet.
How long must the dead wait?
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Last edited by ~Eire~ : 10-22-05 at 08:22 AM.
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Old 10-20-05, 03:24 PM   #2
Viva
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will return with links
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Old 10-20-05, 03:28 PM   #3
Viva
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1 link ...........................
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Old 10-20-05, 03:33 PM   #4
Viva
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Old 10-20-05, 04:09 PM   #5
Viva
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u leave feed, i leave feed...........
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Old 10-20-05, 05:32 PM   #6
Viva
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UPPIN.......ffs ur all sum sleepy ppl tonite!
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Old 10-21-05, 12:05 PM   #7
Viva
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uppin again....
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Old 10-21-05, 12:36 PM   #8
chip
pain is weakness leaving the body
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Eire~
If you clicked the link u may as well leave feed now that ur here!!!!



She was dead late,he was already hanging like a dead weight
Brutally strung up by the misguided hands of fate.
No longer could he endure lurking in contemplation,,
He did it. How? 'Without hesitation.' Her explanation.
Long did despair overshadow the lights in his life,
His home, his daughter, his future wife.
He couldn't see it.
His eyes were clouded with tears of doubt,
No-one could have known,
unless one is on the inside looking out.

Adrenaline must have lined his veins, his brains not making sense.
Some will think:
leaving this concrete casket, his final show of strength.
He is not the first, he will surely not be the last.
More will die by their own hands, to escape-
the present, the future or the past.
It is sad. The question hangs-why?
The only one who could answer hangs-
in his attempt to reach the sky.
He didnt realise the questions and anguish he would create
prayers to him ask 'why, Hugh?' he wanted peace and quiet,
How long must the dead wait?

bolded = my favorite line....... wow a lot of emotion in this piece........ once again a piece where the best vocab isn't always the most complicated, u did a good job with that....... seemed like a real story, who was Hugh?........ overall great piece (again)....... 9/10.......not really sure what the concrete casket was, but i could still understand the rest of the metas....... keep writing.......
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Old 10-21-05, 12:42 PM   #9
Viva
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Hugh was a friend who commited suicide on wednesday nite. i didnt wanna write the whole 'it was so sad' typical poem, so i tried to see wat he was feelin. the concrete casket is this city cuz theres nuthin here for us.
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Old 10-21-05, 10:19 PM   #10
~lextownkillaz~
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you i liked it nice word play and structure.................6/10.............nice drop
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Old 10-21-05, 10:54 PM   #11
Viva
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thanx.....any1 else?
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I'm white so u KNOW i can't rap =)

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Old 10-22-05, 09:16 AM   #12
Viva
Cuz I'm Old Skool Baby
 
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Text Record: 5-1
IP: 042E 9E4C

uppity.....up....
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I'm white so u KNOW i can't rap =)

I will definitely RTF if u leave a link, thanks!
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Old 10-23-05, 01:52 PM   #13
DQ
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Excellent poem right here, very emotional concept first of all.

You worked it out nicely, inserted a lot of truly poetic techniques in it. I love how you pose those rhetoric questions as "why" and such. Because there is no answer to them yet it's the human thing to do, to ask them. I can't really pick favorite lines because every line added to the overall beauty of this piece. Emotional vibe, making the readers involved in the story. Good use of images, good use of vocabulary as well.

Nice shit
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Old 10-23-05, 01:54 PM   #14
Viva
Cuz I'm Old Skool Baby
 
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thanks very much, and i'll look out 4 moe of ur poems to RTF on
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Old 11-21-05, 01:41 PM   #15
Viva
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67.............
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