i posted this on another site.. thought i should share it here also


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My charisma is like a hologram seeking the counsel of Holy men
Stare thru my skin, & see a soul trying to rise above worldly sin
The ins-and-outs of life’s doubts are intricate to unravel, a riddle
As time travel propels forth the unknown.., I steel for the gamble
Stumbling blocks – clutter at crossroads misleading my optimism
I use ink as a gizmo for idiom.., perhaps the Gods forgot to listen?
…So, I raise the power-of-speech until it deafens Angel’s earlobes
Seeing a spitting-image once facing the monster that I fear most
Eyeballs are crimson layered; lashes are spiders’ cobwebs & all
Roaming terrestrial realms, seldom resting my head at nightfall

Great Spirit within… the passion that elevates my mind & heart
Keep flipping these melancholic melodies as if I played the Harp
Depicting tunes on my heartstrings, emerging tears-&-laughter
I plea O Lord set me free from suffering years in the hereafter

Yearning to make use of – these ideas & smouldering desires
Born a King, my next inkling is to rebuild a floundering empire
A temple rigid upon rocks, the script unveils like cinema slogans
I jot blueprints within the sanctuary of my innermost notions
Immunized to emotive pain, cold rain ices the heart & feelings
Wearily seeking warmth, losing my bearing on this path of being
Words able, my patience sat next to Kasparov at the chess table
Tactics mostly stable, bash the Bible Book of Dan a blessed fable
Enter the Lions den; exit a moral man among dogs’ women & men
If money is sin, a person living bankrupt is like being condemned
...As the system obligates to hangmen I hang-on in by a limb
I will not drown in the ruin.., stimulated by the desire to swim.

Great Spirit within… the passion that elevates my mind & heart
Keep flipping these melancholic melodies as if I played the Harp
Depicting tunes on my heartstrings, emerging tears-&-laughter
I plea O Lord set me free from suffering years in the hereafter
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first of all, i just have to say...some of the vocab seemed too forced, but overall, this was an interesting read, and quite well done, for the most part. here's a couple lines i liked

Roaming terrestrial realms, seldom resting my head at nightfall

I jot blueprints within the sanctuary of my innermost notions

first bar of the second verse was cool too...i uno, i didnt really like it too much, the concentration of the topic...i felt like the connection you were trying to make, wasn't there, between religious and modern day happenings, i duno, i dont think you were precise enough, i think you spent too much on vocab, although , i did enjoy reading this, but maybe if there was another verse...i unno, don't get me wrong, you have skill, but i think you may have focused too much on the vocabulary aspect, instead of presenting your storyline, but still good, keep writing

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i dont understand what you mean by forcing vocab.. thats a new one to me.... i mean i just flow this str8 verses 4 verse... this vocab is actually a lot less than i usually spit.. oh well cant please everyone.. so i just please myself


yeah u can close this if u want mod.. i did have some feed links but cant be bothered to paste em so fuck it im outta here

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